Tomorrow we won’t fight with him.
My husband whispered those words to me as he came into our son’s bedroom. I was sitting in the rocking chair next to his bed watching him sleep. I sighed. I had just been having the same internal dialogue in my head.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Tomorrow I will yell at him less.
Tomorrow I will be more patient.
Tomorrow I will play with him more.
Tomorrow I will laugh with him.
Tomorrow I will do everything I can to make sure he knows how much we adore and cherish him.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow offers hope. A clean slate. Another chance to be the kind of mom I want to so badly be.
Tonight my heart is heavy. It’s sad, beat up and full of regret. Lately I feel like every day I’m fighting battles. All. Day. Long.
Having a persistent, determined two and a half year old is hard. As charming and funny as they can be, they can also be downright maddening. Enter a mama who gets easily frustrated and well, things can get ugly. We are both stubborn, prideful and too much alike. We both like to be in control. The thing is, he is TWO and his behavior is to be expected. I, on the other hand, am a 30-year old mama who should know better. I should know to remain calm, laugh it off and move on. I don’t want to spend these precious days fighting battles against him. I don’t want to feel battered, bruised and defeated after a long day of fighting. If I’m being honest, fighting is taking its toll. It is stealing the joy of motherhood. It is causing a strain on my relationship with my toddler. I adore him to death, he is my everything- but- I’m exhausted. It is breaking my heart.
As I watch him sleep it dawns on me. I’m not sure that doing better means fighting less. The reality is that motherhood is always going to be filled with battles. It’s part of the job. Our job isn’t to keep the peace at whatever cost. It is to fight at all costs. The fight we are fighting is to raise our children. Children who are decent, responsible, loving, kind, respectful, honest. Children who can hold their own and succeed in this world. Each battle is a small victory as we progress through motherhood. I’m not fighting against him. I am fighting with him. I am fighting for him. This doesn’t mean I can’t change the way I fight. I CAN do a better job at staying calm during the battles. I can choose my battles more wisely, be more discreet. I can teach him to fight battles respectfully. I can fight for him in a way that doesn’t keep hurting our relationship.
So while I can’t say I’m waving that white flag- I am going to change course. I’ll keep fighting the fights that are necessary for his well being. I’ll keep fighting for him to be his own self. But I’m also going to be more calm and let go of the frustration. I’m going to slow down and enjoy the ride. I am going to embrace having a little mini clone of myself and show him how I can keep my emotions in check.
Tomorrow I will keep my cool when he asks for milk and refuses the yellow Mickey Mouse cup because he wanted the blue Mickey cup. I’ll sip my coffee as I talk to him calmly about using “thanks” and “please.”
Tomorrow I won’t get frustrated when he refuses breakfast only to say “I’m hungry” ten minutes later. I’ll gently remind him that we have to eat at scheduled times and that he can have a banana in the car.
Tomorrow I will laugh at his persistence to wear his Jake and the Neverland Pirates pajama shirt to daycare. I’ll be silly with him and tease him as I discreetly dress him in a different shirt of his choosing.
Tomorrow I will be patient and let him walk to the car as slowly as he’d like. I’ll let him climb into his car seat by himself while telling him, you are so independent!
Tomorrow when he asks me to play with him while I’m making dinner, I’ll say just a minute. I’ll talk to him about waiting our turn while I get down on the floor and build Legos and do puzzles together.
Tomorrow I will say yes to his relentless requests to play swords. I am coming to realize that he needs me to play with him in order to avoid meltdowns.
Tomorrow I will be silly with him, make a mess and not care. I’ll be better at relaxing, other things can wait.
Tomorrow I’ll snuggle with him in his bed, holding him in my arms, feeling his breath on my face, his body melting into mine. I know he will feel safe and loved.
Tomorrow I will be at peace looking at him knowing that there is no where else I would rather be.
Tomorrow there is no other battle that I would rather be fighting.
Tomorrow I won’t be perfect, but I will do better.
84 comments
Thank you to this, I needed it tonight. Though my strong willed boy isn’t little anymore, he’s 13 now. All of this applies for me even now. Instead of which color mickey cup it’s now , that he wanted to wear the shirt he wore the other day but it’s dirty and he needs it washed now or a meltdown may insue. Instead of refusing to eat at a specific time, it’s; we are on our way to school and I forgot to make my lunch, can I have $5? But above all that, it’s now rebellion, just like when he was little. And a whole Lotta, I don’t want to. Thank you for writing this, it helped me to take a step back and breathe.
Pick your “battles” mama. Who cares what color cup he wants? Who cares if he wants to wear a pajama shirt? My daughter used to dress herself in 5 tank tops at a time and 3 skirts at that age. Who cares?
They’re learning independence and how to express themselves and if their parent is constantly saying “no” they can’t do that and will just fight harder (and get sadder).
It’s hard. It’s hard for all of us in different ways.
But truly a lot of this is making it hard on yourself in ways you don’t need to.
Hi Cara, that is what I am trying to do. There is no need to be rude. I am learning how to parent my child and you’re right. I do have to choose my battles! It doesn’t mean I can’t write about my struggles as I learn along the way.
Beautiful story and made me cry because I was just laying in bed last night crying (again) because I felt I lost another battle and that I was not being a good mom. I have a 3 1/2 yr old and he is VERY strong willed, stubborn and headstrong. I feel as if I lose battles everyday and that Im not as good as a mother as I want and desire to be. I cried last night thinking Noone told me parenting would be this hard. Noone prepared me for how hard parenting can be. Noone told me that it can be a daily struggle, that it would leave me mentally, spiritualy, physically and emotionally exhausted on many days. We waited 12 yrs to be able to have a baby. We eventually decided to adopt and he came into our life almost 4 yrs ago when he was just 5 wks old. By then, we had waited 15 yrs and were totally over joyed to be picked as his forever parents.. He is the joy of my life, the child I prayed for and I love him with all of my hert and soul. But some days Im so beaten down by the power struggles. I too want to be a better mom and pray continually, Lord help me be a better mom tomorrow. God is showing me I can only do it thru him. Get my strength from him.I cant do it alone and need his help. Like you said, choose your battles. Decide what is important and what is not. I try to remind myself that a strong will is not necessesairly bad, that it will serve him well as he becomes and adult. That I need to embrace it sometimes, rather than fight against it. To let him do things that he wants to do, help how he wants to help and be there for him when he wants me to play w him. Parenting I have found, is the absolute hardest thing ive ever done. I am an older parent, we married late and because of infertility, it took a long time to decide to adopt. I love being a mom, but its so hard. I have to remember though that I am setting an example to him. How i react, how I respond, has a direct affect on how HE reacts and how he responds. We are” training up a child in the way he should go, that he shall not depart from it”, as the bible says. We are his role model.He learns from me how to act. As mothers, we fail, and get back up and we try again. As mothers we are not perfect. But we can learn from our mistakes and go on. Thank you for your real and transparent look at yourself and motherhood. We all need to learn to be that way and not pretend “everything is perfect” Thank you for helping me undertand that a lot of mothers out there, including me, struggle w this very thing. It makes me feel as if im not alone in this.
I read this with tears in my eyes. I have lived this life with a “strong -willed” child, who is now 13 and rejecting every thing I’ve ever done for her and every value I’ve ever tried to teach her. I know that she is not typical, and her emotional issues are also contributing, but I have been having the same conversation with myself over the last few weeks. My job as her mother is to fight for her. It literally never ends with one constant barrage of emotional attacks after another. I just don’t know where else to go or what to do when the fight is too much.
Kelly wrote about what a real fight is, from her viewpoint it’s a life or death situation not whether the schedule for the day came off without a hitch. This provoked a negative response from several of you, calling her out for trying to explain the difference between the two concepts. Kelly doesn’t know how she would have viewed these smaller, seemingly inconsequential matters without the cancer. All she knows is that she had a third-world problem but and sees everybody else having first world problems. Of course she didn’t fight with her children. There was no place for a fight. Cut her some slack, ladies.
Whatever life throws at you as you raise your little ones, there are two things that really matter. One, major in the majors and two, be consistent … never ever say no and then give in to whining. Even if your no should have been a yes, stick with it no matter what. And let logical consequences end the battle over mealtimes. If they don’t want to eat and it’s a control issue (sooo easy to spot) let them have their victory with only saying once “you are probably going to be hungry before it’s time to eat again if you don’t eat now.” It will only take one or two times and they will decide to eat when it’s time to eat. No need to carry a backup meal with you, bring/offer only what you would have had they eaten when it was time. Finding out what hungry feels like is not bad parenting.
Kelly just wishes that had been her issue, are you going to eat now versus are you going to live now.
Haha. Wait until he’s 9! The battles never end. You’re a good momma.
I SO needed to read this! I have been in tears lately because my son has been acting out more and more lately. The difference, I am referring to my middle child, my perfect 8 yr old son with Autism. I get SO frustrated trying to get everyone to the bus stop in time and he is dragging his feet and ignoring everything I ask him to do. I get frustrated he takes his shoes off three times until finally I am clamoring to get them back on so everyone can be on time. I get frustrated that he won’t stay near me, hitting me and telling me I don’t love him and he hates me. I get frustrated when he tells me he wishes he could just die.
I cry a lot on the inside….and a lot more on the outside once I am alone. I needed to read this to remind me that we ALL need to be more patient. I’m not the only one going to bed because I feel like I have failed that day. I need to summon all my strength and prepare myself to do my best to just make tomorrow better. Thank you so much….this post will become my daily mantra and hopefully, I will have more patience tomorrow, than I had today!
I recently came across the celebrate calm podcasts and the teaching had been so wonderfully helpful! Kirk Martin is the amazing teacher’s name. We do need some real tools to deal with our children, as they often press us, but it’s often to find the safety of knowing they have a leader they can trust and follow. If we are continually frustrated, it’s a key that something is off. No shame in that, but “willing” the change of emotions won’t usually help. The emotions typically are letting us know that something is off balance – usually that the kiddos are the ones running the show! Live and logic, Danny silk or Kirk Martin are some grey resources I’ve found for real
Tools that put the responsibility on the children in a loving, partnering way that empowers parents to help raise their children to their potential.
Thank you for sharing your struggle. This article brought back so many memories of the struggles that I had with my now 25 year old first born son. He was a handful! Strong willed, stubborn! I went to bed in tears so many nights when he was little. I swore to myself SO MANY TIMES that tomorrow I’d be better. On top of it all I had postpartum depression. 25 years ago, it wasn’t talked about. I felt ashamed and envious of how easy other moms seemed to have it.
This last mother’s day, I wrote my two son’s each a letter. They are 25 and almost 20 now. To my oldest son, I wrote an apology to him for the early years that we struggled. I told him how sorry I was for my impatience and frustration. This article sounds a lot like my letter. I’ve told him over the years to please come to me and let me know if he has any memories or anything that he would like to tell me that bother’s him from his early childhood. He was barely done reading my letter and he said, “Mom, you have to read my card. Right now!” I opened his card and in the middle of his sweet words of love to me, he wrote this, “I forgive you, Mom. For anything you feel like you did wrong in my childhood. I do not hold it against you. I would not be where I am without you mom. I love you.”
That strong willed boy that I fought with has become an awesome man and he is someone I would want my daughter to marry. I learned to fight FOR him not with him. I am a better person for having parented him. Tomorrow came and I did do better. This Mother’s Day I accepted his forgiveness and I forgave myself. Mothering is not easy. We need to give each other and ourselves grace. Raising good humans is hard, discouraging, amazing, exhilarating, exhausting, fulfilling, humbling, and a privilege! Thank you for being real.
This was perfect wording . I am a mother of 4 kid’s and my husband works out of town he is gone monday- Friday and some times Saturdays I have a 13yr old an 8yr old a 3yr old and a 7month old baby and I recently found out I’m pregnant again my birth control failed on me so I can only say this is another blessing.I work full time and I don’t have family or friends in this city I don’t have much help at all .. I have fights with my oldest everyday because I want them to help out but they are kid’s and want to play and be outside and then I have 2 small kid’s that depend so much on me I’m so frustrated most of the time and too busy with everything from cleaning laundry and cooking and working that I have no time to enjoy my kids fustration leads to fights with the kid’s and every night I sit in bed wondering how I did it and feeling guilty for being upset half of my day. These were the perfect worrds to hear .