A friend came over for a play date the other day with her son and newborn baby. The first thing she said when she walked in the door was, “Sorry for my greasy hair.”
But I just didn’t see it.
We hosted a group of friends for dinner. I made a variety of kid-friendly foods including my daughter’s beloved chicken nuggets with a side of mac & cheese. The kiddos sat, ate two bites, and went back to playing as their food turned cold. My friend grabbed me by the arm and utters under her breath, “I really apologize. I feel bad they didn’t eat anything!”
But I just didn’t see it.
I’m in line behind a mom at the grocery store. She’s trying to wrangle three littles around one overstuffed cart as her baby screams and she fumbles for her wallet in her gigantic tote bag. “Sorry you’re stuck behind me,” she mumbles.
But I just didn’t see it.
The car next to me in the mall parking lot has all their doors open, making it impossible for me to back out. I watch two parents simultaneously buckle their babes into their respective car seats. There are hats flying, shoes being thrown, and coats coming off along with two clearly exasperated parents. “Bet you wish you weren’t next to us right now!” the father bellows from the backseat.
But I just didn’t see it.
You see, motherhood has made me blind. Blind to the little things in life that just don’t matter. I don’t see the Goldfish smashed in your carpet, or the fact that you’ve worn a hat for four days to hide the hair that hasn’t been washed, or the text message you forgot to send me because you were just so tired you went to bed early. I don’t see the play date you forgot about because your schedule is just so full right now, your kid’s pants that are two sizes too small because you haven’t had the chance to get to the mall, or that your gift wasn’t wrapped for my kid’s birthday party because throwing it in a paper bag was so much easier.
Now listen, I’m certainly not always optimistic and I do get irritated from time to time. I’m not perfect when it comes to believing the best about others and I definitely have days when I’m less than positive. But if motherhood has taught me one thing, it’s that I need so much grace. I need people to forgive me. I need people to excuse me in some of the areas I fall short. I need people to love me when I hardly look like I’m making an effort to love them. It’s out of this realization that I realize if I need so much, I need to be able to give the same.
So, you know what I do see?
I see a mom who chose to forgo her to-do list to snuggle her babies
I see a parent trying to create a fun family outing despite the craziness that will ensue
I see a woman who knew a shower wasn’t going be as valuable as another hour of sleep
I see a friend who desperately needs connection more than she needs a clean house
I see people that are simply just trying to do the best they can in this journey of parenting
Can we collectively agree as moms to a few things?
Can we agree to give one another the benefit of the doubt?
Can we stop saying sorry for things just out of feeling obligated?
Can we quit feeling like we need to justify all aspects of our parenting?
Let’s agree to not see where we and other parents fail. Instead, let’s all make the conscious choice to let each other off the hook. Every. Single. Day.
Here’s to changing the world, mama. One extension of kindness at a time.
41 comments
I love the sentiment of the article. Show empathy. Be kind. But there’s no point in pretending, because thing is, I DO SEE IT. Your dirty hair. Your messy house. Your screaming kids. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t. And if someone said to me, “oh, I didn’t notice that your hair looks like a rats nest today” I’d know they absolutely did and felt like they had to pretend they didn’t.
I just don’t judge it.
I see all of it, because I’ve been there, too. Your half-assed attempt at cleaning your hair. Been there, sister. The pile of baby toys I almost tripped over in your living room? I saw it and dodged it because I’ve twisted many a guest’s ankle on my own toy stacked house.
I See It All and I can laugh with you, because I know you’re doing your best, but we’ve only got so much time in the day and so we have choices to make. I’m just glad you like me and want to hang out.
And I’d say, “Girl, your HAIR. I know you’re dying for 15 minutes alone to shower, get prettied up and feel human again. I’ll watch the kiddos. The wine will be waiting when you get back.”
Because I Do See It.
Really well said- we shared it with mamas on our site: mamabare.co
I loved this…. I feel like I’m apologizing all the time for just being me.
Beautiful! Just wondering why we all do this and my theory is that these days not as many people are having kids and the ones that do are having kids so much later, so they’re just not used to kids. They complain about kids and post FYI’s to parents about how to manage their children so everyone else can enjoy themselves, they always have something negative to say about kids at restaurants, traveling, shopping, almost everywhere except a school or a playground, so moms find themselves apologizing for their babies existence, possibly even remembering how annoyed they were by kids themselves before they had their own and finally understood. Just a couple generations ago people expected to marry straight out of high school and start popping out babies, barely adults themselves, many with younger siblings, especially in the baby boomer households of 7+ where the siblings have a 15 yr age gap, they understood how kids are much more. Kids are thought of as a nuisance nowadays, it’s even acceptable to say you’re not having kids because you are selfish, or don’t like kids, or enjoy your social life, or too much work, etc. which is great that people are being honest and feel accepted when saying it, but I think a side effect is moms apologizing left and right for their babies existence and all that goes with parenting, like not having time for a shower because so much more takes priority.
Yes – mothers should stop apologizing for their messy houses etc. I don’t care what their house looks like. I don’t go there to look at their house. In fact, to be honest, even if it is a mess, I’m probably not going to see it – I just came from my messy house and can no longer see mess. I’ve had to develop that way or I would go insane with the mess around me all the time.
And if my friend hasn’t had the chance to shower in two days – well, good, at least I’m not alone in my slovenliness.
And if their kids are misbehaving! Excellent – because kids who behave themselves all the time often are not happy. They’re not model kids because it’s natural (some are I’m sure)’
, but because they’re being coerced in some way.
Beautiful
As one of those moms with greasy hair wrangling two screaming kids in the grocery store checkout, this is just what I needed to hear! ☺ very well said!
i am a grandmother and great grandmother and i never see those things either great blog and wonderful words such a refreshing attitude