Tomorrow we won’t fight with him.
My husband whispered those words to me as he came into our son’s bedroom. I was sitting in the rocking chair next to his bed watching him sleep. I sighed. I had just been having the same internal dialogue in my head.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Tomorrow I will yell at him less.
Tomorrow I will be more patient.
Tomorrow I will play with him more.
Tomorrow I will laugh with him.
Tomorrow I will do everything I can to make sure he knows how much we adore and cherish him.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow offers hope. A clean slate. Another chance to be the kind of mom I want to so badly be.
Tonight my heart is heavy. It’s sad, beat up and full of regret. Lately I feel like every day I’m fighting battles. All. Day. Long.
Having a persistent, determined two and a half year old is hard. As charming and funny as they can be, they can also be downright maddening. Enter a mama who gets easily frustrated and well, things can get ugly. We are both stubborn, prideful and too much alike. We both like to be in control. The thing is, he is TWO and his behavior is to be expected. I, on the other hand, am a 30-year old mama who should know better. I should know to remain calm, laugh it off and move on. I don’t want to spend these precious days fighting battles against him. I don’t want to feel battered, bruised and defeated after a long day of fighting. If I’m being honest, fighting is taking its toll. It is stealing the joy of motherhood. It is causing a strain on my relationship with my toddler. I adore him to death, he is my everything- but- I’m exhausted. It is breaking my heart.
As I watch him sleep it dawns on me. I’m not sure that doing better means fighting less. The reality is that motherhood is always going to be filled with battles. It’s part of the job. Our job isn’t to keep the peace at whatever cost. It is to fight at all costs. The fight we are fighting is to raise our children. Children who are decent, responsible, loving, kind, respectful, honest. Children who can hold their own and succeed in this world. Each battle is a small victory as we progress through motherhood. I’m not fighting against him. I am fighting with him. I am fighting for him. This doesn’t mean I can’t change the way I fight. I CAN do a better job at staying calm during the battles. I can choose my battles more wisely, be more discreet. I can teach him to fight battles respectfully. I can fight for him in a way that doesn’t keep hurting our relationship.
So while I can’t say I’m waving that white flag- I am going to change course. I’ll keep fighting the fights that are necessary for his well being. I’ll keep fighting for him to be his own self. But I’m also going to be more calm and let go of the frustration. I’m going to slow down and enjoy the ride. I am going to embrace having a little mini clone of myself and show him how I can keep my emotions in check.
Tomorrow I will keep my cool when he asks for milk and refuses the yellow Mickey Mouse cup because he wanted the blue Mickey cup. I’ll sip my coffee as I talk to him calmly about using “thanks” and “please.”
Tomorrow I won’t get frustrated when he refuses breakfast only to say “I’m hungry” ten minutes later. I’ll gently remind him that we have to eat at scheduled times and that he can have a banana in the car.
Tomorrow I will laugh at his persistence to wear his Jake and the Neverland Pirates pajama shirt to daycare. I’ll be silly with him and tease him as I discreetly dress him in a different shirt of his choosing.
Tomorrow I will be patient and let him walk to the car as slowly as he’d like. I’ll let him climb into his car seat by himself while telling him, you are so independent!
Tomorrow when he asks me to play with him while I’m making dinner, I’ll say just a minute. I’ll talk to him about waiting our turn while I get down on the floor and build Legos and do puzzles together.
Tomorrow I will say yes to his relentless requests to play swords. I am coming to realize that he needs me to play with him in order to avoid meltdowns.
Tomorrow I will be silly with him, make a mess and not care. I’ll be better at relaxing, other things can wait.
Tomorrow I’ll snuggle with him in his bed, holding him in my arms, feeling his breath on my face, his body melting into mine. I know he will feel safe and loved.
Tomorrow I will be at peace looking at him knowing that there is no where else I would rather be.
Tomorrow there is no other battle that I would rather be fighting.
Tomorrow I won’t be perfect, but I will do better.
84 comments
This article was exactly what I needed to read. I have been battling my 3.5 YO strong willed son theses last few months and after every day I to feel so exhausted, both mentally and physically. Thankyou for the honesty!
I’m in the exact same boat with my 3.5 YO strong willed daughter. I also appreciate your honesty, and especially the line “I am coming to realize that he needs me to play with him in order to avoid meltdowns.” I only made that revelation today, and it brought tears to my eyes as I recognized myself in this post. Thank you.
These early years are a cakewalk compared to the preteen and teenage years. It gets much worse. Be prepared as you can be.
I agree Angie I have a 10 year old about to be 11. I also have an almost 2 year old and I am having a harder time with the older one then the younger one. Preteen years seem to be much harder then terrible 2’s
Reading this article and being the mom of a 17 year old son, I find much of it applies now as well as the toddler years.
It is a challenge but have realized to “pick my battles” and automatically react to the small stuff as I tend to do.
Beautifully written, Monica!! You ARE a wonderful mama to Luca and Lila!! ❤️?
This is perfect. Thank you.
Thank you for writing such a truly beautiful article! This is my life as well my children are 21 months apart, and being 1 and almost 3, we are still in the difficult years. You’re not alone
Wow this article WILL change the way I “mother” my 4 children .
It may be to late for the two oldest, as I have already “fought” my way through the “trainable” years with them.
My daughter is a beautiful blonde, naturally curly headed, fitness guru. She works out everyday, sometimes twice a day. Her dedication shows and her spirit is captivating.
She is the envy of all who come in contact with her, at the same time she inspires them.
Yes she is “blessed with good genetics” however her attitude and dreams are all her own.
The qualities she posses are those that require work to be what they are today…and I’ve never know an eighteen year old girl too be more discipline than Shelby.
I know it sounds like I am just a proud mom, who wants to brag on her kid, but these are the things everyone say about her!
when she was 3 yrs old, my mother driove 30 miles just to get a book titled, The Strong Willed Child”. To this day she has a “strong will” but now as a 2nd year college student and not 19 just yet, I see how that strong will was never meant too be tamed.
I can’t begin too list the battles we; I waged in her younger years trying to break that “strong will when in fact it would later prove to be her biggest asset, in my opinion. Wow, God sovereignty is such a wonderful thing!
HE KNEW that strong will would prove too be the secret to all her good choices later in life.
The funny thing is, she got that determination from ME, the very person that fought to keep shoes on her sweet little feet, even when they weren’t going to come in contact with anything but someone thigh as they were letting her stand and sometimes climb all over them
In 30 degree weather…she would be barefooted and it nearly drove me crazy!
The thought of the moments I turned ugly that could have been different simply by ME using a different tone with her, brings me to tears.
I’ve stayed on the subject of bare feet as if that were our only issue with the little thing, not the case. However, today I see it in a whole different light.
Perhaps this is one of many reasons, grandchildren are so wonderful.
The mother is fighting battles that we as the grandmother finally realized are just battles unworthy of the fight.
I am a single mother of four wonderful children…3 girls and a completely wonderful son.
The realization of what I at 48 years old now see with complete clarity would be the greatest gift I could give any 4 of them.
Thank you so much for sharing your insight
God bless you and God bless mothers.
I feel like this everyday “that I will do better tomorrow ” but the outcome is the same everyday, I continue to wish I could do better. How do I fix this?
Hi Stacy, all you can do is try your best. We have to be ok at the end of the day with just doing our best. My intent with this post isn’t that I will be “perfect” tomorrow. Since writing this I still have moments where I don’t react in the way that I would like. But I am trying to live more in the moment and be more present. I find that by doing that I am much more consientious in how I parent. Have peace in knowing that you are a great mom because you care so much!
Perfect! I needed this so much right now. Every night and nap time and time to eat seems like a battle. I’m exhausted. I have a 6 year old, 2 year old and a 1 year old. My husband works sun up to sun down. So basically I’m a single parent. I’ve never felt more defeated than right now. Thank you for this! I’ll try to remind myself today to do better. I can be the mom that’s not crazy.
Sadly, you will probably not do better. You will want to. But, there will be an entirely different struggle. You will be tired, or have a headache, or something else to challenge your resolve. You will always be saddened by your perceived failures. You will delight in your perceived successes. As children grow and develop new situations will confront you before you’re prepared. Love. The one consistent answer is love. Make sure your child knows deep within every inch of his being he is loved. That is your safety net for the days of trial.
Absolutely. My generation of parents beat ourselves up for not having a calm and scripted answer ready at all times, even when our kids are being ridiculous. Its not OK to not eat a meal and then snack in the car. Its not OK to demand to be entertained while I’m making the only meal that we eat together as a family. Yes, there are times for snacks and playing and messes and we should embrace these. But its not OK to continuously feel inadequate as a parent because we go to bed not having reached some unreachable standard of what a parent should look like. Its not OK to go to bed each night thinking that I will do better tomorrow. Its not OK to feel bad because you spent time cleaning bathrooms and folding laundry. Every day has its challenges and every day I try my best. Some days are better than others but my kids need to see that I am a real person with real feelings and that I fail sometimes too. That is a teachable moment. “Mommy lost her temper. She got angry because you interrupted me again while I was on the phone for 2 minutes. I should have reminded you that you shouldn’t interrupt me on the phone. You should have waited until I was done to talk to me unless there is an emergency.” I like my kids to understand that I am human.
Thank you! Parents are human, too. And our children will be better for witnessing that we are and that we fail, too. They will learn to deal with conflict by how we react to conflict and failure. There is no reason to shield them from our emotions as long as we don’t inflict harm because we can’t control ourselves as adults.
I think the writer was appealing to her inner adult to be more calm and less reactive, but I agree with you that our weak moments can and should also be teaching moments and that we can embrace them.
As I read this article I was overwhelmed with sadness for this family; the word “fight” is prevalent throughout the piece. I did not fight with my toddlers, I did not yell, occasionally raised my voice and we rarely experienced the time out chair. And, no, they weren’t perfect and neither was I, however I was also mature enough to understand babies and toddlers, a German shepherd dog and a husband who worked 15 hours a day. I raised them with manners, kindness, a gentle hand and I listened to them. I raised two daughters, 17 months apart, one with serious, life threatening disabilities after contracting a very rare virus at the age of 2 1/2 years young, her sister, barely 17 months old and suffers life long debilitating pain and illness to this day (she is 30).
If you want to understand a real fight worth fighting about, sit in a children’s hospital cancer ward. Watch the tiny tots, young children endure chemo and suffer the intense illness and vomiting associated with their treatment. Hold your sleeping toddler in her bed after another bone marrow extraction, days of painful tests and the endless loop playing in your mind is you sweet girl screaming, flailing, grabbing for you while she chokes out, “mommy, why do you keep letting people hurt me!?!?!”. and let us never forget the alarms in the middle of the night, doctors and nurses running, families hearts, minds and souls destroyed and you listen to the primal screams, wails, pleading and begging for the child to survive, not watch them die. By the way, I was 25 years old with very little family support, living paycheck to paycheck, bills piling up fast and exorbitant amounts….I’d have paid any price to save my daughter from a lifetime of suffering and time away from my toddler. But money can’t buy health, happiness, kindness or love.
THAT is a fight. Yours is something altogether different, a battle of control on your part, not his. He is learning to cope with life, sharing, playing, boundaries and a new little sister. Unless he is burning the house down, you should step back and consider a parenting class. Loosen the reigns and let him eat his cereal or banana in ten minutes. Set a timer for him to understand expectations and commend his good behavior without comparing it to a behavior you didn’t enjoy. I pray you think more, breathe deeper, hug tighter, overlook the insignificant issues, gently remind him to use his manners….raise him and teach him to be the kind of man you want your daughter to marry one day. God Bless
Kelly,
We are sorry for the fight you’ve had to live. It’s hard to imagine if you haven’t lived it and it sounds incredibly painful. But just as you had your fight, this mom has had hers too, and everyone gets their hard. Everyone’s hard is different, and some hards are unimaginable, but that doesn’t make another mother’s “hard” easy. This is a beautiful piece that has touched SO many moms, and our mission is to empower and inspire moms to be their best, and again, while we mourn with you and can’t imagine your battle, we ask that you engage respectfully and not judge or bring another mom down with comparisons. All the best to you as you continue to heal.
Beth,
It sounds like you have some ownership in this site, by your response to Kelly. I understand that the article helped many. I know 3 women currently “fighting” with their male children, all around the age of 8 that have been diagnosed with ODD, which some say isn’t anything more than a strong will. But, I am also watching a single mom, watch her 14 year old daughter die of terminal cancer. I think the hardest part for Kelly was the word fight that was repetitively used, which in some, causes scenes of extreme yelling all day long to flash through their minds.
You lovingly asked Kelly to respect the author. However, no one, including yourself, has asked the women who responded negatively towards Kelly’s comment to also treat her with respect. She faced a lot while her children grew, and she might never understand the battles a parent with a strong willed child face, but it is not right for her to be disrespected on this site either.
Hi Freida,
You’re absolutely right. I am the Founder of TCMB, and please know that we want to foster that respect not only for our writers, but all readers as well. I am just getting back into the swing of working after a few days of sickness, but otherwise would likely have responded to all of these comments in the same way I asked of Kelley. My deepest hope for our community of moms is to be one that is always respectful, even in disagreement, and that goes for any follow-up comments. Thank you for your perspective and calling us on it – it’s always good be kept in check.
All the best to you,
Beth
Hi Kelly, i agree with you on a lot of the things you said in your comment. and I’m sorry that you have to deal with all of that. you’re right we shouldn’t fight with our toddlers and the comment about the kid not wanting the yellow cup but wanting the blue cup…. ahhhh.. i have 2 young kids and there is not fight or real discipline unless he hits me or does something dangerous or hurts an animal or his brother or something. we make him do a ton of chores, no fighting. eating a banana in the car is just about the most dangerous thing i can think of eating in the car even if the kid is like 5 its a choking hazard. on the other hand, she is right about raising the kids and fighting FOR them. my older son is extremely defiant and has hurt me and his brother and has damaged a wall. we think it is genetic or just a very strong personality like i have, and him not knowing how to express that anger. so sometimes it has to get serious even though he is not battling a terminal illness. we all have different lives and different kids each child needs different guidance. my husband is in the military so i often have to be in charge and my older son is figuring out now that when he is disciplined it is for his safety, and we always talk to him about why, and what we should do next time. this article had some really insightful things though too. i hope you’re doing well.
Kelly, it sounds like you had quite an experience with parenting… But that doesn’t discredit what this mom is writing. Your comment was very rude and (I’m sure) very hurtful. She was writing this article, pouring out her heart, on something that a lot of parents of strong willed children can relate to. Kicking her when she’s down is not helping.
It sounds like you don’t have experience raising a strong willed 2.5 year old boy… So you couldn’t possibly understand why it’s so hard for her to keep her cool and act with calmness. Having raised a very spirited little boy myself I can say I know exactly what that’s like. The two children I had afterwards were a completely different (way easier) sport. If I hadn’t had my oldest first maybe I would have been like you and judged her parenting skills. What we need to understand is that unless you know the struggle, it is not your place to judge or criticize. We are supposed to support other moms. Especially those trying their best.
This is a real mom, who loves her child greatly… who consistantly tries and tries again to be better. Her article resonated with many people (clearly)… Please remember comments such as yours can cause a lot of unnecessary pain, as this is a real person, not just a computer, writing.
Overwhelmed with sadness?? Really? This is clearly a loving mom who cares great,y for her child. It is reality that there will be ” fighting ” or disagreements or arguments with your children. To think otherwise is foolish. I am sorry that you had struggles in your life, but this author is keeping it real for the vast majority of parents out there. No mother , no family is ” perfect”.
Your insight is incredible and commendable. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hi Kelly
I guess each of us, as mothers, has our own fights. As the author express we are here to raise good humans beings. Sometimes that’s the part of motherhood with the greater challenge of all.
My kids are not suffering from cancer, but that does not mean I had it easy. I struggle every day. Somedays are better than others. Some are good days others not that much. Some days I just cuddle with them and fall asleep peacefully, other I cry myself to sleep.
Motherhood is a journey, and each of us has its own ticket. Let’s not critisize one another and try to put ourselves in their shoes. Not every kid is the same, so neither are the mothers.
Thanks to the author, as you capture my everyday struggle… “tomorrow, I won’t be perfect but I would be better!”?
I absolutely 100% agree that LOVE is the key. As mothers we all are human, so we will continue to have our moments (good and bad). No matter what kind of day I have had with my 2 and a half YO, I always end the day with this: a hug, a kiss, and telling him that I love him “always no matter what”. I truly believe that our kids respect us more when they see we are human and make mistakes just like them. By reinforcing our love for them, they will always remember that love; All day, everyday!! Even if I am screaming my head off at him, my son knows how much he is loved and adored. And there’s nothing more important than that!
This was awesome! Exactly what our life is like right now with a 4 year old and 4 month old!
Felt this for a week or more have 2 baby’s reading this makes me feel I’m not the only one !