I don’t have a first-grader.
That keeps running through my head, and I don’t know where it came from.
Back to school season has never been a reminder of babies lost, but this year, it was.
Sometimes, I see the hole where my Hattie is supposed to be so unexpectedly.
I found myself thinking of the family roll-call, the ones moms and dads yell down the street when playtime is over and it’s time to come in for dinner:
Sophia, Evelyn, Hattie, Wesley!
But she’s not there. I don’t have a first-grader. And that’s not sad because one of my girls moved on to second. It’s hard because I allowed myself go down the hole that she’s supposed to be in. I wondered if she’d get the same first grade teacher we had last year, where her desk would be, three girls climbing on the bus. But I don’t have a first grader, so for me, imagining that beautiful picture is a hard image to recover from.
I really think the shower is the best place to cry because it feels less intense. You can’t feel the tears burning out down your cheek if you turn the temperature hot enough. You can cry as quietly as possibly so the running water covers it even from your own ears. So you don’t have to admit it. Even to yourself.
There is a hole where my first grader is supposed to be, and some of you are walking with that hole too, whether it’s first or kinder, middle school even. A place your person was supposed to be. So you let the water run down your back. And sometimes, you kneel down and even put you head in your hands and just let the water run. The trouble with being there, and anywhere else is that once you’re down you don’t know if you can get back up.
The load feels heavy, the feelings thick, the breathing hard. And sometimes you have to remember that what it takes to stand again is already in you. You already have plenty of times before, so I know that you can now.
We can figure out breathing next, but for now, just get up.
I said this over a year ago, but had forgotten, and in a low moment last month a friend quoted me back to myself. We so often forget what’s already in us and what we already know. Now it’s running in my head on harder days and maybe you need that in your head too.
I don’t have a first grader but I can get up.
We can figure out breathing next, but for now, just get up.
The rest follows suit, it always does, but for now, get up.
I often hate to be that girl. The one that keeps talking about this, but I remember feeling alone and I just can’t let you stay there too. Even if you only ever hear this virtually, let me say to you:
You are not alone and your loss mattered. Your heart matters, the person you became because of it all matters. You matter.
The stats say “1 in 4,” because 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, but the truth is that ONE IN THREE WOMEN will experience either miscarriage or the loss of a child at some point after birth. One-third of us want to speak our normal and while some of you may have needed to hear you aren’t alone in any way, I’m asking that if you’re on the other side of this supporting friends,you hear this: We are asking you to walk alongside us in it. We need you to help us normalize our normal by simply allowing it to be a constantly open discussion. Be open to hearing, be open to asking. Be open to the fact that it’s uncomfortable and awkward, but that silence breeds loneliness and hurt while uncomfortable and awkward tells a friend you’re willing to feel a little weird if it means she’s cared for.
When someone lets me comfortably talk about my experience, I feel safer, more confident and, actually, more normal. Let’s be women that allow that space to become more comfortable, to speak and to hear, in this type of pain and all others.
I do not like to celebrate this day, that word does not feel right, but I do want to mark and note it alongside you. I want you to know that you matter and you have a safe space to talk about your baby.
It became incredibly important to me that the lives of my lost little ones were marked and it was important to me to find a way for you to mark the lives of the children you have lost. We have a Forever Loved wall where you can do just that. Know that we stand with you in your pain and your loss and in remembering the baby you will never forget. To add your baby to the Forever Loved wall – click the photo below.
When Your Friend Suffers a Miscarriage
**Trigger warning: pregnancy loss and miscarriage** I vividly remember the first time one of my friends suffered a miscarriage. We were sitting across from each other having lunch and she just said it, “So, we had a miscarriage.” I also remember not having a clue about what to say. I…
What Not to Say to a Mom of One
This post was originally published in 2015 I have one child. It’s not by choice. I would have had more if my eggs had cooperated. Other moms have one child because, well, they chose to have one child. Whether by our own personal choice or biology’s limitations, we find ourselves…
A Secondary Infertility Discussion with CCRM Fertility
Recently, we had the chance to sit down with Dr. Kohlmeier from CCRM Fertility for a secondary infertility discussion. It is our hope that this interview will be a source of information and encouragement for women who are dealing with secondary infertility and looking for the proper support. When we…
How to Help Someone Going Through Pregnancy Loss
As a birth doula, I have undoubtedly experienced pregnancy loss with clients and friends. You have likely experienced it yourself or are close to someone who will or who has experienced a pregnancy loss. It can be difficult navigating what to do or say in these moments. I have a…
When Infertility Treatment Fails
National Infertility Awareness Week April 18 – 24, 2021 Anyone can be challenged to have a family. No matter your race, religion, sexuality or economic status, infertility does not discriminate. National Infertility Awareness Week focuses on removing the stigma and barriers that stand in the way of building a family. Together,…
Without Rain, There Would Be No Rainbow
It’s hard for me to understand why tragic events happen. Especially when it comes to mothers who lose a child. To me, there’s no greater strength than a grieving mother who wakes up each day and decides to move forward. I know from personal experience the depth of this despair,…
We are Mothers Who Have Lost
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It's our honor today to share just a few stories of women who have walked this journey. It is our deepest hope that by sharing these stories, other mothers will know they are not alone in their own experiences of loss....
Five Years Later, 1 in 4
It’s been five years since I held my son’s tiny body in my hands. At just shy of halfway through my pregnancy, he was small enough to fit in my hand, and just as beautiful as my three living sons waiting for their mama at home. Lucas Ryan. Oh…
I’ll Carry You
I was 20 weeks pregnant when doctors detected a lethal form of dwarfism in my daughter on the ultrasound. The condition meant my sweet baby girl would die of respiratory failure at birth. The news was so shocking I couldn’t fully comprehend what was happening for weeks after. It was…
Saying Goodbye and Finding Hope
My story is not unique. Like many women, I lost our baby during the first trimester of what was supposed to be a nine month pregnancy. Medically, my situation was common, routine and even expected. But emotionally, the loss turned my world upside down. I began to love our baby…
Letting Go, and Losing Audrina
August 30 is National Grief Awareness Day. Twin Cities Moms Blog contributing writer, Trista Rakow, is bravely sharing her story with us today about loss and how it’s impacted her as a mother. Life has certainly handed me an assortment of disasters and losing my daughter Audrina, was just one…
Be Still: Why We Need to Trudge Through Grief
Be still. It’s a great tattoo, I’ve seen a lot of people get this on their wrist as a reminder. It turns out, I like to talk about tattoos. But really – it’s a great reminder that we need to stop more, breathe more, sit more and just enjoy more….
Baby loss may not be your struggle. If you’re walking through something different, we have a number of articles where our writer’s share what they’re going through, in various ways. You can find those in the post linked below.
Most importantly, if your struggle feels like too much and you’re not sure where to go with that, please look at the list of resources linked below and reach out for help. Admitting a need for help is a courageous act, and often, we just need to know where to go for help. Find that guide by clicking the image at the bottom.
