When You Disagree With Your Husband

Marriage is wonderful. hard. lovely. difficult. rich.  Adding children to a marriage definitely enhances all those realities. Before having kids, my husband and I had to discuss and agree on a house to buy, where to live, how to spend the holidays, which church to attend, etc. Those are all important matters to consider, but once kids were in the picture, the magnitude of those decisions seemed to escalate exponentially. I always joke with my husband that it used to be “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and now it’s “Happy Mama, No Drama.” If only it were that simple.

My husband and I had very similar upbringings. We come from religious families, raised in Midwestern towns, our mothers were teachers, our fathers businessmen.  Each of us possess a sense of adventure and like to travel.  We share similar interests in music, food and hobbies. Our pastor, who administered a standardized premarital counseling assessment, said he had never married a couple more compatible. We smirked, high-fived, and felt naively optimistic with this declaration but soon learned that compatibility does not always equal consensus. I was delusional to think that life would forever be so easy and automatic.

The mountain of decisions started the day we learned we were pregnant. Work or stay at home. Midwife or doctor. Vaccinate or delay. Breastfeed or formula. Daycare provider or center. Baptism or dedication. Organic or conventional. Screen Time. Education. Grandparents. Sports. The list goes on and on and seemingly big enormous parenting decisions loom overhead on a daily basis. Making decisions that impact your children’s lives never gets easier and with 10 years under our belt, we’ve learned that parenting decisions are not a simple determination between good or bad, but often a blind judgment call between what is better and best.

One ongoing battle in our home is over nutrition. I will spare you the details but share with you a quick story. Several years ago, during the height of the H1N1 craze, our kids became violently ill. One night, after my youngest son Bennett spiked a high fever, I decided we needed to have him evaluated by a physician. My husband offered to take him and even though I’m usually the one who accompanies the kids to the doctor, I hadn’t showered that day so I welcomed the offer. Upon arriving home 3 hours later, I asked if they were hungry since they had missed dinner. My husband quickly replied “that’s okay, we ate some peanuts and milk at the pharmacy while we waited to fill the prescriptions.” I was immediately impressed by my husbands healthy choice of foods and thought to myself maybe we are finally getting somewhere.

Later that evening as I was putting Bennett to bed and tucking him in, he said ever so innocently… “Mom. Those were the best peanuts I have ever had… they were big and orange and squishy and tasted like cotton candy.”

Circus peanuts.

My heart sank. Until then, I had gone to great lengths to limit our intake of corn syrup and food dyes and in one careless, quick decision, my son was exposed to all that junk. I wanted to be angry, but it was hard to be mad because sharing this special treat with his daddy brought my son immense joy. It was as if that sticky corn syrup bonded those two together in a moment of solidarity. Circus Peanut Lovers Unite.

That night I intentionally chose “relationship” over “rules” and I don’t regret it one bit. I know that is a silly example and many of the issues we face as parents are monumental and serious.  I know firsthand how difficult it is when you and your husband disagree on a parenting issue.  I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I can share what has worked for us when we are seeking a compromise and maybe it will help you too:

1. Explain where you are coming from. Sometimes, I assume that my husband knows what I am thinking or what I have learned about a particular parenting topic. Share what’s on your heart in a level-headed, practical manner.

2. Truly listen to their point of view and give them a voice. Seek to understand where they are coming from. Much of the time, my husband just wants to be respected and validated for what he is thinking or feeling. Even if his opinion is way different than mine, I try not to be judgmental. Deep down I know he wants what is best for our family. See #3.

3. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. This goes a long way in any relationship. Trust that he is well meaning.

4. Try to discuss big issues before you face them in the moment. It is usually easier to think logically ahead of time than when you are in the thick of the circumstances.

5.  Avoid comparing yourself to other couples, and especially your kids to other kids. We are all unique and its really hard to know what goes on behind closed doors in other peoples homes in terms of family dynamics. We are only seeing a glimpse of people’s lives, only parts of the story.

6. That doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from other parents. Maybe you really respect or admire another mom or dad and how they have chosen to raise their family. I have women in my life who are mentors to me and my husband and I seek out older couples who can offer the same guidance for our marriage.

7. Avoid discussing certain matters in front of the kids.  Kids need to see healthy conflict resolution modeled, but the nitty gritty details are often better left to a private conversation.

8. Be prepared to give in at some point.  Sometimes I feel like since I carried them, birthed them, nursed them, spend more time with them, I should get ‘my way’ more often when it comes to parenting. This isn’t really fair to my husband. He is an active, involved dad who deserves just as much representation as I do.

9. Take a break. If it doesn’t directly affect your child’s safety or immediate future, let it go for a little while and come back around to it at another time. Sometimes all it takes is a little time for a certain idea to marinate and they will come around on an issue to find a suitable resolution. Other times you have to agree to disagree.

10. Let it go. Love keeps no record of wrongs. It’s really easy to get into the habit of male bashing and think to ourselves he is just a dumb guy and doesn’t know any better. I’ve done my fair share of that in the past and have to restrain myself from going there sometimes. After all, like many of you, we are raising little men and we want better for them than to be minimized for having different perspectives on life.

Ultimately, my husband and I are in this together, navigating this crazy roller coaster ride called parenting. I have learned the hard way that it is so much more rewarding (and more fun) if my husband and I can find some common ground and work as a united team. It is definitely worth all the extra effort.

And you know those circus peanuts that I once despised? Well, I still disdain their poor nutritional qualities, but they have become a fun inside joke for our family, even a tradition of sorts… whenever the boys are sick and go to the doctor with daddy, they look forward to sharing circus peanuts and milk afterwards.

Shine On-

Karri