When A Mom Admits She Can’t Do It All

Before kids, you know back when we were all still perfect parents, I remember having the most idealistic mindset about what motherhood would be like.

I would spend my days taking care of my children, reading and singing to them constantly, while wearing a permanent smile on my face. I would plan craft projects for us to do together regularly. I would immerse myself in loads of parenting books and implement the discipline strategies that would make my kids the sweetest little angels. I would help them to hit every milestone early. I would keep the house spotless and laundry would be folded and nicely put away in everyone’s respective dressers and closets. By the time afternoon came, I’d be looking for something fun to do like bake cookies so that the cookie jar on top of the counter would always be full of homemade goodies. When my husband would walk in the door each evening, he’d be welcomed by a wife who was dressed in a cute outfit with my hair and makeup done, and kids who were happy as can be. A well-balanced meal would be on the table and we’d have a peaceful family dinner talking about our day.

Motherhood would be perfectly manageable.

Perhaps some of you live in the state of euphoria I just described. That’s amazing.

However, I’m guessing a lot of us don’t experience life like that. If you were a fly on the wall in my house, you’d soon learn that perfection is no where to be found. We sneak in a few books here and there when my littles are willing to sit still for longer than two minutes. We keep songs like “Wheels On The Bus” and “If You’re Happy And You Know It” on repeat for when melt downs come and we need to keep the ship from sinking. I have learned that there simply aren’t text book answers to many parenting questions because every child is SO different, and each child will hit developmental milestones at their own pace. I have a never-ending mountain of laundry and I’m ecstatic if the clothes get cleaned let alone folded and put away. Homemade goodies are few and far between, and the cookie jar is usually stored in some cupboard collecting dust. When my husband walks in the door after work, more often than not he is greeted by a frumpy feeling wife who needs a break. His welcome home gift is being handed a tired and crabby baby. And those peaceful family dinners I once dreamed about actually consist of organized chaos where the babies end up feeding half their meal to the family dog.

A few months ago, I admitted to my husband that I felt overwhelmed. It took me a while to even say it out loud. Since I’m a stay-at-home mom, I felt like I was some sort of failure when I realized I couldn’t do it all. My job was to be at home and take care of everyone and everything, which was something I had always wanted to do, but as hard as I tried I didn’t have enough hours in my day to do get it done in a way I felt proud of. I felt like I was only able to ever get the bare minimum done.

After talking about it some more, I realized the idea I had to do everything on my own was a byproduct of the culture we live in. We live in a country where we’re valued by how much productivity we can generate. We pride ourselves in being able to be independent and self-sufficient. We like to do things on our own and be noticed for our ingenuity. We’re given accolades based on good performance.

That system seems to work in the marketplace, but it’s not effective in motherhood. Therefore, we have moms who have been left to feel like we need to prove ourselves to society. I’m constantly coming across articles written by moms doing their best to paint a picture of how hard we work, so we can communicate how our jobs are just as important as those of our counterparts.

In this effort to portray how hard we work, I think it’s easy to develop a sense of pridefulness and a fear of failure.

In our hearts though, we know productivity in motherhood doesn’t come in the form of checking to-dos off lists. It can come in the form of spending a whole day feeding, changing, and holding our babies. Or snuggling with our teething toddler. Or contagiously laughing with our kids until we cry. Or kissing their boo-boos. Or teaching them how to care for others. When it comes down to it, being productive as a mom means showering our kids with love in ways that uniquely suit them.

When I decided to be a stay-at-home mom, it was because I wanted to spend quality time with my kids. I need to remind myself of that on a regular basis and let the rest go. I can’t do it all and there’s no shame in that. Countless seasoned moms have told me time and time again to let the housework go, because that will always be waiting for me, and the kids won’t. Such wise words those are.

At the end of the of our conversation, my husband and I decided the best thing for our family would be to get some help. We weighed the options and costs, and ended up hiring a housekeeper. Knowing the house will be cleaned allows me to truly enjoy the precious moments I have with my kids instead of constantly feeling behind. And I’ve actually been able to keep up on my laundry sometimes too! Simple things like that make my type A personality feel at peace and allows me to prioritize what’s important.

Admitting that I couldn’t do it all was the first step, and implementing a solution that suited our family made all the difference.

If you’re a mom out there who’s feeling overwhelmed, you aren’t failing. You have a lot on your plate, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. It’s worth a conversation, and maybe even worth giving up something else in your budget to make it happen. However, getting help doesn’t need to cost money. Swapping child care with another mom can be a great option and can give you both a little time to recharge. If family members know you’re feeling overwhelmed, they’ll likely jump at the chance to help too.

Motherhood will likely never be as seamless as I naively thought it would be, but when we embrace a community approach, it can empower us to enjoy the beauty in the ordinary moments. We can be the moms we always wanted to be.