I’ve mentioned before that we’re expecting our fourth baby in September. I realize having four kids, let alone four under three years old is enough to send some people into cardiac shock. It’s a lot of kids in a short period. I understand the way we’re doing it certainly isn’t for everybody. I also understand there are people who aren’t able to have kids close in age for a number of reasons that may be out of their control.
We’re all different, and obviously we’re all entitled to our preferences and opinions. Right now I’m realizing that more than ever! I’m 21 weeks pregnant. I’ve reached that point when there’s no hiding the fact that I’m having another baby. I’ve started to get those looks at Target as my big belly and I are pushing the mega cart with three kids in tow. It takes about 2 seconds for me to read whether they think I’m crazy or if it makes them smile.
Overall, most people have been kind about it. At least the people who matter. Friends and family have been encouraging and excited for us, and we feel completely confident that this fourth baby (who we just found out is a BOY) is a huge blessing.
I’ve learned to take the usual “You’ll have your hands full!” comments with a grain of salt, along with the people who tell me I’m nuts. I’m happy as a clam about our family and I don’t take a lot personally.
However, I wanted to share an interaction I had recently that completely caught me off guard. I had taken my oldest to get his hair cut and brought the girls along. In an effort to make small talk, the hair stylist asked how many kids I had. I told her we had three and another on the way, and from there the conversation took a dramatic turn for the worse.
I’ll spare you all the details, but things were coming out of her mouth like, “Are you crazy?” “I’m having a baby in a few months, but one thing I’m glad about is that I’m NOT having twins!” “Well, it’ll be nice when at least one of them leaves the house!” “Why don’t you live near family? If I were you, I’d move closer so they could help you.” It went on and on.
I tried my best to remain positive through the conversation, but she wouldn’t let it go. She was on a mission to spread her pessimism. After I left the salon, I tried my to shake it, but I couldn’t. I must have played the conversation back in my head a hundred times, trying to think of ways I should have responded that would have made for a more positive outcome.
Obviously my feelings were hurt, but more than that I think the whole conversation reminded me how contagious negativity can be. I was sad for her that being negative was her default and that something or someone along the line caused her to be that way. I was sad for moms all over who experience this type of pessimism not only about the number of children they have but also about deeper things, like how they choose to raise their kids.
I guess the reason I’m sharing all this is because it’s so important that we think about the things that are coming out of our mouths. Our words are powerful. They have the ability to encourage or discourage. We may not agree with the way another mom does things, but that doesn’t mean we have to force our opinions on her.
As moms who live in the Twin Cities, wouldn’t it be awesome instead if we made it our mission to encourage each other when we’re out and about?
When we see the mom at the store with the toddler pitching a fit, let’s take the time to remind her that we’ve been there and that she’s doing a good job. When we’re at the park, let’s strike up a conversation with the mom who looks like she could use a little adult interaction. When we’re waiting to pick our kids up from activities, let’s look up from our smart phones for a minute and acknowledge that we’re all in this together. And yes, when you see that mom at Target with the big belly and lots of other littles, would you PLEASE smile at her for me?
Collectively, we have the ability to make the area we live a positive place. It starts with us!
I’d love your advice on this too. Have you experienced condescending conversations like the one I described? What are your positive comebacks?
P.S. You can bet I’ll be returning to that salon to try to spread some positive perspective to the not-so-positive stylist! Afterall, maybe she was just having a bad day.
19 comments
i have 4 kids that are 5 years apart and I would get asked all the time if I did daycare or if they are all mine?! I said yes, ALL mine! Most comments were positive but I had my share of “wow, you have your hands full” or “how do you do it?!”. With 4, three and under I applaud you! 4, five and under was trying enough for me. Now I want more! But we are done :). 4 is good.
I have 5 kids, my oldest just started college and my youngest just turned 3 – even though my kids are all pretty spaced apart, (with the exception of 2 of them), I got a lot of negative comments about having so many kids or starting over when my oldest two were so old, or my favorite – why I’d want more when I had my boy and girl first so already had a perfect family…I used to get really upset about people’s comments but now I know they’re not about me, they’re about the person being negative. And that helps me just smile and say “you’re right! we are busy!” and go about my day. I love your message about being positive towards other women and families! We aren’t cookie cutters – we’re not all supposed to look the same and that’s a pretty great thing 🙂
I’ve found that when it comes to having a lot of kids (especially in quick succession), lots of people make comments that can be interpreted as negative and lots of people will go to the other extreme and put parents on a pedestal. Neither of these approaches are helpful. But I suppose it’s people’s gut reaction and they’re just being real. It is funny that people often feel so compelled to turn off their filter and say things outloud though.
I completely relate! I have two sets of identical twins, 10 yr old girls and 4 yr old boys. People ask all the time “you must be miserable”, “you’re done, right?”, “are you crazy, you want more kids?”, “I would jump off a bridge if I were you.” That’s only a sampling of the negativity that comes your way when you have more then 2 kids, including twins. Sooooo not necessary.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, but I’d like to add one thought: let’s show a little love for the dads, too. As a stay-at-home dad, I (and many other SAHDs I know) frequently get the cold shoulder from moms. At the park or the open gym, there’s often a clear No Dads Allowed message. It bothers me, but it really upsets me that it extends to my kids as well.
Once nursing is done, dads face all the same trials and tribulations that moms do, so we could use a friendly smile now and again, too.
Amen! We have an 18yo, 10yo, 2yo, and 1yo twins. We both have careers, I travel a lot with mine. You can only imagine what we hear, even from family who is supposed to love all of us unconditionally!
We love our family, our life and our choices. I find that most negativity comes from a place of judgment. If everyone could just love their life and not judge others, we could spread happiness like wildfire.
Congratulations on the newest addition to your family!
I think you are very lucky to be happy with your life and situation. I always smile at moms with a cartful or one child. I have 4 boys myself. There’s probably very little I haven’t experienced when it comes to motherhood and the greatest lesson they’ve taught me is that there are lots of ways to do something right. I just try and be happy. Some people just aren’t happy. That’s their issue. I just keep swimming!
I am sorry that you had this interaction. I too have had a few of these myself. I have a 17yo, 13yo, 10yo and 1yo twins. I try in every situation to ask “what is the intention of the comment?”, and more times than not, the intention of the other person is not intended to berate me, but to acknowledge that life with kids can be challenging and sometimes people feel overwhelmed with the challenges. I try not to take it personally, because sometimes it is simply poor conversation and delivery skills. We have all had moments in our life where we have said one thing with one intention, only to walk away and think about it later and have a moment of panic that it may have come across in a manner we didn’t intend.I try my best to shake it off and hope the intention is well. It is important as leaders in our families to always be confident in who our families are, regardless of numbers and ages.
I admire parents like this. I am not sure I could handle it, physically and otherwise! It took me a year after my first to feel normal again and I expect this last time to be about the same. Love to all the mamas! (And daddies!)