They say parents can determine their child’s personality within the first week of life.
As a mother of three small children, I have found this to be true.
When my first-born daughter was less than a week old, I was desperately trying to get her to latch correctly when trying to feed her. Time and time again, it was so difficult, and not to mention excruciatingly painful. She would latch on incorrectly, so I would take her off and try to put her back on to nurse. Over and over. And each time, this new perfect baby of mine would cry and scream, getting so mad she would turn red in the face because she wasn’t getting what she wanted, when she wanted it.
She was determined.
My mother stayed with us the first week after she was born. As I was piled on the couch with my Hooter Hider, Boppy, nursing pads strewn about, and a screaming new baby in my arms, she looked at me and said, “I think you are going to have a handful with that girl!”
Of course, my mom was joking. Or maybe she really knew? But wow, if I only knew at the time how true that statement was. Looking back, I am amazed at how this little creature’s personality was forming within only a week of being outside of the womb!
Strong-willed. Determined. Spirited.
Sound familiar? Maybe you have one of your own?!? If you are not sure if you have a strong-willed child, you probably don’t. Yes, every child has their challenges and moments of questioning authority. However, if you have a strong-willed child, you know it. They not only question authority, but they also want to be the authority. They want to make the decisions, be the parent, drive the car. As Dr. Laura Markham says, “Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle”
I am writing this post from a place of humility. I don’t know all of the answers. I’m not a perfect mother. It has been a journey for me, figuring out not only what the heck I am doing but also, how to be the mom of a particularly strong-willed child who likes to battle with me head-to-head with every decision I make. In fact, I probably fall into the strong-willed category myself (who am I kidding, I definitely fall into this category)!
Well moms, I am here to tell you a few things. First, I want you to know that being a strong-willed (or spirited, or determined) person, in and of itself, is not bad – it’s actually a great character trait!
“A strong-willed child is not easily daunted or discouraged, holds firm convictions, and doesn’t often accept defeat. A person using strong will in positive ways is fiercely loyal, determined to succeed, and often extraordinarily devoted to accomplishing goals” You Can’t Make Me by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias, an excellent book about this topic that I highly recommend.
A determined child is a blessing and will conquer many things in this life. With the right guidance and direction, my daughter will move mountains with her strong, determined spirit!
Choices and Control
Make sure to give your child plenty of choices and control. A strong-willed child doesn’t need to make the decisions, but they need to feel like they make the decisions. “From the very beginning, your strong-willed offspring will be testing what the boundaries are and how much of their universe they can control.” (Cynthia Ulrich Tobias)
I have found that giving my daughter choices in the small things has been huge. If she’s allowed to choose, she loves to cooperate. This is huge! She has choices about what she wants for a snack and how she makes her bed. If she wants to do something her way and that is not my way, oftentimes I try to let her do it her way – the results are usually the same (kind of). By giving her more control in the little things, I earn more respect when I decide the big things. Do you want to leave now, or in 5 minutes? Letting her make more decisions has helped channel her strong spirit and develop her little (err…big) personality for good things.
I’ve also learned that “because I said so” is not usually a sufficient answer for my daughter. Honestly, it’s not a sufficient answer for me, so why should I expect it to be for her? She wants to be reasoned with and respected, and explained why she isn’t allowed to do something, just as I want to be reasoned with and respected. I have heard that “rules without reason lead to rebellion” (James MacDonald), so I always to help her understand the why’s when I put my foot down.
Choose the Conflict
I’ve learned I have to choose my battles. “Save the conflict for the very important battles you will need to fight later” (Cynthia Tobias).
I know in parenting there are little things and there are big things. As the parent, I need to make the important decisions and put my foot down when it’s appropriate. However, I also need to let certain things go without conflict, in order to preserve my relationship with her. She wants to wear leopard shoes with leopard pants and a leopard cardigan, all on the same day (with a cringe as I type). I have to say yes, or lead her to believe it was her decision to change her shoes! 🙂 Without conflict. Because really, I don’t want to be fighting all the time. I came to this conclusion a little over a year ago, when I realized we were fighting about what she wore. Every. Single. Day.
Be the Comforter and Giver of Unconditional Love
Every so often, my strong-willed-child (SWC) gets into one of her moods. It’s usually when she is tired after a long day and I can tell she is feeling overwhelmed. A little thing will totally set her off – like her sister getting into the car before she does. She will explode, do something mean to her sister, or start yelling and crying. Maybe you have seen this mood in your SWC before – but watch out!
I have found the best solution to this type of behavior has been to give comfort. This is totally the opposite way that I would initially be inclined to react to a meltdown. But it works!
I take a moment, and kneel down to her level and give her a giant hug. Rubbing her back, I tell her that I love her no matter what she does, and that she is so special to me. Amazingly, that is just what it takes to cause her to snap out of her moodiness. Giving her a time-out or getting mad and yelling in return often seems to just make things worse. It’s incredible how well she responds to physical touch and comfort when she is at her worst. Once she snaps out of her funk, then we tackle the issue that triggered her meltdown whether that means apologizing to her sister or dishing out consequences to her actions.
Am I the perfect parent? Most definitely not. Are there days when I say no to the triple-leopard outfit and demand my own way? Um, yes. However, I have to admit that I have noticed some great changes in my daughter, lately. I believe that some of these parenting strategies have actually drawn her closer in relationship to us, which is really one of our ultimate goals as a parent.
“Home should be a place we always look forward to coming back to – a safe harbor where we are understood and valued for who we are.” (Cynthia Ulrich Tobias)
Original post published April 2014
30 comments
Giving choices has been huge for our strong willed girlie. Such great advice!
And I often say that she’ll be incredibly successful in whatever she does in life – that determination will take her far. 🙂
Cate, yes, it took me a few years to let go of control of somethings…and honestly it is still hard, especially in the what-to-wear category. 🙂 Thanks for the comment! Missed you last night!
Awesome post! We absolutely have a SWC and I firmly believe he is a blessing who will – as you said – move mountains. These are good qualities for the toughness of life. That said, at age 3 it can be so challenging especially when I am worn out and just want him to relent versus debate. It’s definitely full-time intentional parenting on our end but as two strong willed people ourselves I think we are up to the challenge – ha ha! Anyway it always helps me to read that our child isn’t crazed he’s just determined. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Ashley!
Good point – yes it isn’t crazed, it is determined…which is such a great characteristic when used for good! Thanks for the comment. 🙂
Great tips! A book that helped me a lot was an old ECFE resource, “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I really liked how she helped frustrated parents to see these qualities in our little ones with a long range view and value them! Great practical tips too. She also has a good book on sleep!
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Rev-ebook/dp/B001TJ2YBY
Hi Jenni,
Thanks for the comment – I will have to look at that book!
I think your point about giving comfort is SPOT ON! I wish someone would have told me that years ago. It took trial and error to figure it out. I find that a special song sung during those times works great too. My daughter loves “Fingerprints of God” by Steven Curtis Chapman. It calms her for some reason. I usually couldn’t touch her until she calmed so singing to her was best. I also think that the spirit and determination of these children is a blessing. As parents we just have to be patient to wait for the blessing (because in the thick of it – it sure doesn’t seem like a good thing!!!!). Thanks for your thoughts and ideas!
Linda,
Good point – I like the special song idea too. Yes, patient and wait for the blessing, you said it. I can’t believe how far we’ve come from age 3 and 4. She’s 5 now and we are both learning how to better parent, and her behavior is improving as well…well, most of the time at least! 😉
Thanks for putting your thoughts and tips together, Nealy. This is a great read that I’ll be sharing with some of my fellow moms of SWC.
Thanks for the comment LeAnn! 🙂 Good to hear from you, hope you and your pretty girls are doing great!
This was a great post with a lot of helpful ideas. However, I really struggle with the whole “give her choices” thing. Whenever I give my SWC two choices (pretty much all day long), she almost always insists on a third (which is not an acceptable choice – like when I offer apples or pretzels for a snack, she says she doesn’t want those, she wants something which isn’t even in the house). Any ideas on how to handle those situations? She’s 3.5 if that helps… Thank you for any insight!
Hi Sara! Okay, I have TOTALLY been there! I think the key to these types of situations is making them FEEL LIKE they choose what they want to eat. For example, explain that there is no _, but maybe SHE can help you thing of something similar that is in the house? Or sometimes I will tell Callie – you can have any snack you want, as long as it’s healthy. What do you think would be a healthy snack?
I hope that helps! 🙂
Giving choices has not really worked for my SWC – he usually comes with an option ‘C’ 🙂 He’s WAY too smart for his own good and is already trying reverse psychology on us – he’s almost 7 – I think we’re in trouble! We have found that giving him responsibility over certain tasks has been great. He’s in charge of bringing in the plants each night and keeping them watered – he LOVES that job and rarely needs to be asked to do it. Also if I prep him ahead of time on something – I told him 2 days in advance that he had to wear nice pants and button-up shirt for Easter and reminded him the next day too. Sunday morning came and while there was some complaining, no fight ensued! Sometimes he likes helping his little sisters, other times they are not appreciative of his micro-management… I will have to try the actions for the meltdown – never even thought of that. Thanks!
Hi Julie! I know those smart little kiddos. 😉 Responsibility – that is great! Thanks for the tip! I think choices include letting them problem solve. For instance, this morning Callie wanted to wear a dress, and we were going to the zoo so I wanted her to wear jeans and tennis shoes. So I told her – you can wear whatever you want, as long as it is warm. Cover your arms and legs. That kind of choice seems to work at least a little better!
Great post, Nealy! I have a strong-willed boy and think your suggestions are spot-on. The choices tactic is still a great tool for us, even though he’s now 14 years old!
Thanks Jen! You are much more experienced in this category I’m sure since you have older children. We are still learning as we go, that’s for sure! 🙂
I love this too! I have a Strong-Willed child who is now 13….and we have now both adapted quite nicely to his will….though the first 5 years of life almost did me in! One of the things that really helped my son when he was younger (preschool age) was to use my hand and point to my fingers to tell him what was next. He had a hard time transitioning and I could never just walk into the room and say “Ok bath time!” Without a MAJOR meltdown. So what I would do is point to my thumb and say “First we’ll finish this game, (point to my pointer finger) then we’ll take a bath (point to my middle finger) then we’ll have a snack (point to my ring finger) then we’ll read books (point to my pinky) then we’ll brush teeth”. He got so used to this type of counting that we used it for everything. Getting ready in the morning was a breeze once he adapted to it and so was bed time. He would often point to one of his fingers and say “Here’s where we are Mom”….He still likes to know what is ‘next’ so to speak, even though he is 13. He doesn’t really like a change in plans or ‘surprises’….he adapts better now to those things, but they still throw him off a bit. The counting thing worked great and sometimes I even use it (though at a more mature level) saying “After school you need to get your homework done, take out the trash and clean up your room before having friends over”….it works just about 100% of the time 🙂
Karen, I LOVE this! Thanks for passing it on!
What an awesome post Nealy! Thank You! My first daughter is strong willed as well and like you, I have discovered that most times a big hug is all that is needed to diffuse the situation. Now that she is 10 she still needs the big hugs, but, we are now able to later talk about the situation and have a great discussion. She is always ready to talk about why she behaved in a particular way and we are able to discuss why this may not be appropriate in certain situations, this communication helps when there are consequences for the negative behavior. It helps reinforce the consequence is for the negative behavior and not for her SWC personality.