Do you feel as lonely as I do?
It seems that I am constantly surrounded by people, most often my three littles are nearby and I’m almost never actually on my own, but often still find myself consistently lonely. This job we do is hard – people say the days are long, and the years are short, but I feel like both are short. Each day seems to fly faster than I want it to, never allowing enough time for me to actually complete that to-do list. And in a life so busy, how do you find those extra moments to connect with other adults? It can be hard enough to reconnect with your spouse, let alone see my friends.
I have, sadly, been watching some of my friendships fade in this busy time of life. After the hours I schedule for work, the time it takes to manage my kiddos, their schedules and all that they need, plus actually speak to my husband once in a while, I feel like I don’t have much time left at all for friends. On those days when you’ve been gone all day, three days in a row, it only seems right to skip out on girls’ night to be sure you’re being present enough as a mom. I am desperate for that girl time, the time to just talk, and to hear how my friends are doing. Those Saturday morning coffee dates are the foundation for the unexpected tough days and weeks that come out of nowhere, and as important and enjoyable as your children are, they take up so much of your time and energy. Do you leave anything left for community and friendship?
I think for me, part of the problem is that I picture friendship as what it was before I had kids, which is just totally unrealistic at this point in my life. Small kids are needy, growing kiddos are busy and whether they are 4 months or 14, they need you a lot right now.
I truly believe that motherhood was not meant to be done in a vacuum. Some people are more introverted than others, but I honestly feel that you simply shouldn’t mom on your own and that the phrase “It takes a village,” remains because of it’s longstanding truth. I recently heard this song in concert and couldn’t help but relate it to the mission of Twin Cities Moms Blog. Change the word “man” to “mom” and they’ve nailed the heart of what we aim to offer to the moms in the Twin Cities: “No {Mom} is an Island…we’re not meant to live this life alone.”
If you feel as lonely as I often find myself feeling, please know you are not alone. As isolating as motherhood can feel at times, it is also a unique place in life that can bring two strangers together like nothing else. Who else can understand your sleepless nights, the way you worry for your kids, the way you wonder if you’ll ever be “you” again and how you wish you could protect your kids from the bad in the world, than another mother? It’s a commonality like no other.
You may be lonely, but you are not alone. I’d highly encourage you to join one of our neighborhood groups, connect with local moms at your kids’ school or with those that have children in the same activities as your own.
Just remember, once you’ve made those initial connections, don’t put those unrealistic expectations of what your friendship should look like on yourself. Sometimes, deciding to make room for coffee dates in your life isn’t feasible, given weekly schedules and all that’s to be done. If that’s the case for you, try weekly phone calls or even texting. It sounds silly, but I’ve recently found that you can easily build a friendship by texting someone every day. It’s definitely a way to feel less lonely and to feel like you’re able to have a conversation with a friend on a regular basis, making those rare coffee dates more fun and less about catching up.
However you decide what’s the best fit for you, build in that community. Those friendships are vital, and you need to remember to be yourself in the midst of all of the kid stuff.
