Confessions of a Mom with Internet Access in Her Pocket

The story begins with a crying newborn. It’s dark outside, probably the middle of the night but the days and the nights blur together. The mom does not even step out of her bed as she reaches into the rock-n-play next to her. She helps her baby latch on and instinctually grabs her phone, presses the round center button and watches it light up the darkness. In this sleep deprivation cycle, her phone gives her conversation and inspiration. The monotony of diapers and nursing fades as she fills her eyes with beautiful pictures on Instagram. When she can’t find humor in her day, she reads her favorite blog by that hilarious mom. When she wants to engage with ideas beyond Baby Center discussion boards, she clicks on articles by her favorite writers.

When I was pregnant, I remember hearing there were online nursing groups where moms would hang out in the middle of the night. The image of sleepy, nursing moms messaging one another at all hours of the night cracked me up. But after I had my son, I got it. The internet, especially social media, can provide an online tribe of mamas who understand what you’re going through. Combine that with the fact that most of us carry the internet with us on our phone all day, and suddenly your phone feels like your third arm.

A third arm I noticed I used too often.

I’ve tried to curb my consumption of the internet in a variety of ways. I’ve given up social media for Lent. I’ve set a 9pm bedtime for my phone in which I put it to sleep (on airplane mode because I still use it as my alarm). I’ve occasionally instituted no internet days. All of these things are helpful, but I find the real issue is living in the tension of enjoying social media while staying present in my day to day life. I want to make sure my internet use—and especially my phone since it goes everywhere with me—does not take away from my time or connection with my family and friends. At the same time, I love the creativity and community it offers. So I’m trying to live in this middle ground of using social media but not feeling controlled by it.

While this is something I’m growing in, and probably always will be, here are some principles that are helping me:

1. Think about creating and contributing instead of consuming. Am I just a consumer? Or am I contributing to the conversation? Am I creating on this outlet? When I’m scrolling mindlessly on other people’s content but not sharing any of my own, I’m more apt to feel like a consumer of other people’s lives. This doesn’t mean you have to blog if you read blogs, but I do think it’s important that you’re using the information or inspiration to be creative in your own life. Maybe what you learn on Twitter or Pinterest encourages you to create conversation about it among your friends.
2. Seek interaction instead of isolation. I try to avoid the anonymous lurker syndrome. While we can joke about Facebook stalking someone, I think there’s something incredibly isolating about “learning” about others online without acknowledging you read or saw what they posted. Lately, I’ve been trying to comment more on blogs I read regularly because it reminds me that the internet is not a faceless place–real people are on the other side. It also makes in-person communication less awkward. When you acknowledge that you read or saw something, it makes it less awkward to bring it up in person.
3. Cultivate in-person friendships. What the internet cannot give me is accountability. I get to choose what I share with others, whereas in real life relationships, others see me in action. Friends notice my inconsistencies, whereas social media allows me to edit out the parts of myself I don’t like. While I don’t Instagram them, my friends know there are Cheerios and dust bunnies on our floors—always. Everything on the internet is filtered through a lens of what I am choosing to share with you. Your real self is who you are when the audience is gone. Cultivating in-person friendships helps you remember who you are.
4. Choose your influences wisely. I like to follow people who I know in real life or people who post and share things that inspire me, challenge me, and make me laugh. I unfollow people who post primarily negative or disparaging comments. Unfollowing people doesn’t mean I won’t listen to ideas I disagree with, but it does mean that some of those conversations are best had in a face-to-face context where we can see facial expressions, ask nuanced questions, and maybe even give each other a hug. I don’t want to live in a bubble with people who only think like me, but I do want to surround myself with people who are gracious online.

Do you struggle with setting boundaries around your phone or internet use? I’d love to hear what’s helped you!