Our little critter’s nursery is great— bright and colorful, lots of storage, a stain-proof rug. And it got her sleeping through the night at an I-better-not-say-it-for-risk-of-being-hated age.
But considering the wide range of events that happen in Baby Central, next time — if there is a next time — I’m going to have some HGTV star swing by and install:
- A “clean” button. Like a self-cleaning oven. Or those robot-cleaning porta-potties at the park I’m afraid I’ll get stuck in. If there is any kind of a body fluid incident, I’ll just remove the baby (key step), shut the door and come back in 15 minutes to a clean, disinfected, sparkly room.
- An innovative alarm system. My nights of sitting in bed, squinting at the baby monitor are over. This system not only detects sound and movement — it knows whether the first 2am wail is from a dream, a brief wakeup or a true three-alarm freak-out, and it only sounds the alarm if it’s the latter. The EX model has different tones for hunger, bad dreams and the presence of more than a trace amount of bodily fluids. The LX model can also tuck a loose arm back into a swaddle.
- A tube to Goodwill. You know the little tube in the drive-through lane at the bank? The second I struggle to snap a too-small onesie, it’s going right in the tube and getting sucked away and donated before it turns up in the laundry 14 more times before I remember to pull it out and add it to the giveaway pile.
- GramCam technology. This touch/kick screen, safely built right into the crib, allows baby to call Grandma for early weekend morning entertainment while Mom and Dad sleep in.
- Mama’s mini bar. For the times the stashed water bottle and granola bar don’t cut it. Unlocked by my finger print only, between the hours of midnight and 4am, and always fully stocked with wine and chocolate.
What bells and whistles will your next nursery have?
