Wine and Tantrum Pairings: Summer Break Edition

The graduation season is upon is–from preschool to college and everything in-between. The wonderful summer filled with family trips and lots of fun quality time together can commence. Right? Not in my house. Without school (even just ECFE and preschool), I know the increased time together will ultimately bring increased tantrums–in quantity and severity. My littlest one is almost two years old and entering prime tantrum territory. My four-year old is no longer napping and is teaching her little brother pro-level epic tantrum skills. This will be my first summer as a SAHM with two tantrum-throwers–hence the need to create this special edition pairing guide, for all of us.

Monday: Very sweet graduation day for your little one’s ECFE class. Then you rush out of the building to ugly cry in the car. This is a mom tantrum and yes, you are allowed to have them. Then buying a big girl bike for the oldest one, because she has outgrown the little bike, only adding insult to injury. Why can’t they stay little forever?! Mom tantrum comfort drink: Chianti (Classico Riserva for the double whammy).

Tuesday: Children wake up at 5:05am because the oldest one wants to ride her new bike outside. By 7:05am, you have been forced to remind her, twice, that we keep our underpants on while riding bikes. By 9:05am, she is asking for lunch and the little one is ready for his afternoon nap, but the tree trimmers are right outside his window so he can’t sleep. Instead, he just screams louder than the chainsaw and wood-chipper (combined). By 12:05pm, the big one declares she is bored and wants to go to the park, so you pull them in the wagon to the park, uphill both ways, in 85 degrees and 200% humidity. You get home and they whine and whine, when all mom wants is wine and wine. But, you all crankily hold out until dinner time. Husband gets home, takes one look at you, and asks, “Red or white?” Longer than long day, but so hot out and still only Tuesday drink: Pinot Grigio (the big bottle).

Wednesday: The glorious day when both children go to your in-laws’ house! Instead of spending it relaxing at the salon (or, more realistically, watching Netflix and eating the good snacks you hide), you catch up on laundry, clean the house, grocery shop, and cook a wonderful meal for everyone. You would think it would be a great day to abstain, but as soon as the children get home they trash the house in two minutes flat and refuse to eat the dinner you spent your only child-free time on. Then they throw tantrums about everything, including looking at each other. Wasted day spent on chores instead of restoring yourself drink: whatever goes well with the dinner you are the only one eating–probably the leftover Chianti from Monday. If there is any left. If not, Chianti bottle #2. (Yes, of course you bought another bottle. Don’t lie.)

Thursday: The dreaded swimming lesson day. Obviously, it takes at least three hours to get everyone ready for (and clean up after) a 30-minute lesson. Instead of getting their swimsuits on, they throw half a box of wipes in the toilets (yes, toiletS) because “they looked SO SO SO pretty!” While you are trying to unclog both toilets, one child “decorates” your gorgeous handmade desk with Sharpies and the other “washes” the kitchen floor with an entire bottle of bubble solution. Then you get a text from your husband that he has to work late again. Swimming, a $500 plumber bill, and being a work widow drink: forget the wine–it’s rum night (scrap the Coke, it’s just a distraction).

Friday: The day starts off at 4:47am with, “Mommy, brother was hungry so I got him yogurt and put fruit snacks and chocolates in it!” She wasn’t lying–there is evidence all over the little one’s face and your kitchen table. Then the little one turns the refrigerator to the coldest setting and everything freezes, meaning there is nothing to eat–cue “hangry” tantrums. After dragging the kids to Costco, you bribe them with lunch at a “nice, kid-friendly” restaurant to stop the screaming. Except, the older one does a booty shake dance to Thriller with strangers in the middle of the restaurant (because why not?), then trips the server and spills food and dishes on every horizontal surface in a 10-foot radius. You finally try to make it a fun family Friday night with pizza at home, but one kid puts toppings on, while the other one takes them off to eat. As a result, they attack each other. Not even sure what to make of the day, but at least it’s Friday drink: margaritas–the premixed kind you just stocked up on–by the gallon–at Costco.

Saturday: Yay! It’s Saturday!  Time for a lazy, pajama-clad…oh wait, never mind, you’re a mom; what’s a weekend? Husband needs to get yard work done, which means you are graced with the presence of your little angels…all…day…again. You try to include them in planting, but both end up pantsless–one covered in dirt and one stuck in the planter full of water (with a waterlogged cloth diaper that looks like, well, nothing good). They are not happy… you are not happy… what were you thinking? Now you have an even bigger mess to clean up while taking care of the two angry garden gnomes. You tried and failed, but you’re stuck outside cleaning up drink: Sauvignon blanc (the big bottle) (maybe bottles).

Sunday: You discover the little one now turned the refrigerator to the warmest setting and everything you bought at Costco (two days ago) is now Fridge Soup. The little one is hungry again, but with no food he eats what you hope is Playdoh and then throws a tantrum when you try to stop him. Husband is working outside again, so it’s time to call in reinforcements. You invite some adult friends over to help by bribing them with drinks on the patio. It’s been a long week and you give up drink: mimosas and any leftover drinks you or your friends have–all day long.

Then, its time to restock and repeat. Thankfully select Target locations now have a Wine & Spirits section, so you can stock up on your weekly (okay triweekly) Target runs. Or if the children are really not cooperating (broken glass bottles anyone?), Drizly delivers from Haskell’s.

H.A.G.S. (yearbook jargon for “have a great summer”)

p.s. Don’t forget: teething rings in your glass perfectly chill your wine without watering it down!