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Twin Cities Mom Collective

Why I Keep Saying No

Why I Keep Saying No | Twin Cities Moms Blog

“Mommy, you’re mean.”

This has been a regular phrase in my household lately, and to be honest, it makes me want to do whatever the kid saying it wants so I can get the love.

But…I am learning this is a tactic by my smart and sneaky little ones. Make mommy feel guilty and she’ll give me what I want.

I’m the one in the household who says no the most. If my husband doesn’t want to be the ‘bad guy,’ I hear, “Go ask Mommy,” because he knows I will say no and not back down. Oh little does he know that I want to back down all the time, but I know I can’t.

I don’t want my kids to think that if one person says no that the other one will say yes. I want them to earn what they are asking for and I’ve noticed lately that we have let our guards down in this respect. We started saying yes to move on and not cause a tantrum because we were just too tired to deal with the drama.

It needs to stop. Our kids need to understand they are already living a life that not many kids are fortunate to live. They live in a world of privilege that our parents worked hard to give to us so that we could give that to our kids.

It’s been a hard lesson for me lately that I can’t feel bad for saying no. I am trying to accept the fact that I am not going to be the #1 parent in my kids’ eyes all the time. In this current phase, I will be the “mean mom” and I am going to be okay with it. I will say no because I don’t want to have my kids become spoiled to the point where they expect they will get what they want and not appreciate what they have and the fact their parents work hard to even be able to give them what they have. I want to teach them that they need to work to earn gifts and things they get. 

I felt like I needed to write this down to let it become my new mantra and a continued reminder that as a mom, it’s going to be hard to not want to give your kids the world. I can still do that, but in bite-sized chunks.

I started to see my kids acting in an ungrateful way. I told myself that I will make sure they understand and are grateful for everything they have. That’s how I was raised and I understood the sacrifices my parents made for my childhood. 

I stopped making an effort thinking that my job was already done. I had to sit back and remind myself that I acted out the same way as a kid because I never truly understood the sacrifices until I was older.

My kids are only 7, 5 and 5. They are young and need to understand, just as I had to growing up, the privilege they have today.  

I’ve started to tell my oldest, who understands a little more, that what he gets is a privilege and it’s not a right. I explained the differences to him. I reminded him that manners matter and he should always say his please’s and thank you’s.

It’s been a bit tougher with the twins. I think we’ve let a lot go with them the past five years because it was easier than going through a tantrum in public. It’s going to be an uphill battle. They are also the most vocal ones in saying I’m mean and it’s been happening each time I say no.  To be honest, they are too darn cute and they know it and I have a hard time sticking to my guns. Maybe this is my A-HA moment that sticking to my guns will only be in their best interest for the long term. I need to stop thinking about a short-term win.

So if you see me around and you hear, “Mommy, you’re mean,” know that I just said no and I’m not backing down. 

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