I don’t know when this phenomenon started, but I’m sure you’ve heard it – other women with kids referring to each other as “Mama.” I feel like this term has been on the rise the last few years. I myself have addressed other women this way and even addressed my readers this way before (please don’t search my past articles to see how many times I’ve done this!).
I didn’t think much of it at first. It felt like a term of endearment and camaraderie. I’d shout out a “Hey Mama, you got this!” while at the park, or if I ran into a friend with her kids in tow, I’d call out, “How are you doing today, Mama?”
But something shifted when I had my fourth child, and now I find that I really struggle with this term. These days I strongly dislike it when people refer to me that way.
My poor mother was one of the first people with whom I realized this was becoming a problem. Bless her; she’s so patient with me. She would check in on me when I was pregnant with our fourth and say, “How are you doing today, Mama?” It rubbed me the wrong way until I realized what was going on. I was overwhelmed as a parent and I just wanted to be her daughter, Amber. I wanted to fall into her arms and let her care for me as her daughter. I didn’t want to be Mama in my conversations with her, I just wanted to be her little girl again. I talked with her about it and she was very accommodating. She strives to call me Amber now, and I love when she calls me that because it reminds me that I am hers.
I did some soul searching on why this also bothers me when I hear it from my peers. I realized being called “Mama” surprisingly feels limiting and confining. Being a mother is one part of who I am, but it is not all of who I am. As we have added children to our family, it’s been harder and harder for me to see those other pieces of who I am. I believe it is natural and necessary to set pieces of yourself aside for awhile to make room for the responsibilities and time it takes to raise children. It’s a beautiful season of life, but it can also be challenging to balance your needs with your children’s needs. When someone calls me “Mama” it feels like all they are seeing is the part of me that’s raising children. I want them to see the other parts of me too, and sometimes remind ME that those parts are still there.
I think being referred to as Mama by others is also hard for me because my full-time job right now IS raising children. It’s my profession. I think it would be hard for anyone to be referred to all the time by their profession. Can you imagine if you saw a friend and shouted a greeting, “Hey, Accountant! How are you doing today?” Or greeted someone with, “Morning, Admin!” Our given names have significance, and we lose some of that when we substitute a title instead.
You know who I love to hear call me Mama, though? My four beautiful children. I LOVE to hear them call me Mama. Not mom, or mommy, but Mama. I love their little voices calling out to me, whether through laughter or tears, in the middle of the night or when they first wake in the morning. I love when my kids call me Mama, because that’s who I will always be…to them. They get a pass, but for everyone else, just call me Amber!
4 comments
Ah, I can so relate to this and have struggled with calling my readers this as well! I’d write it out and then I’d always go back and erase it and now I know why, deep down there is so much truth to what you’ve written and it’s a big part of my mission as I help moms as well… it’s only one of the roles we play. 🙏🏻
Thank you for speaking it so eloquently.
It’s a term of endearment that came from Mexican/ Hispanic/Latin roots. As we know Mexico borders many US states. Well there are currently many Mexican Americans as well as other Hispanics and have for a long time those both migrating and born here. It has always been a thing my whole life being in a mixed Hispanic and white family. And when I was younger like high School to mid 20s I noticed it was mostly my Hispanic friends. But now it has become mainstream and acceptable for all women to refer to each other as mama. Personally it never bothers me and yes I am a mother. But this term isn’t really exclusive to mothers consciously we avoid saying Mama to those women of a mothering age that have struggled with becoming a mother or have experienced the loss of a child . It is more of a term of endearment and closeness and less about being an actual mother. In my family another Hispanic family we call little girls Mama also a term of endearment. Daddy and Papi are often used for little boys but this one is a little more exclusive meaning personally I would only be calling my son’s or my nephews by that nickname and my own personal spouse never other men in the family unless of course it is actually your father. 🤣
I read the article and I definitely understand needing your own sense of identity. I just wanted to make a comment because if this nickname is coming from a Hispanic woman it’s definitely less about you being a mother and more about her accepting you as her friend someone she respects and trusts. (In most cases)
Denise, thank you so much for your comment and insight. I hadn’t thought about the term Mama with that lens before, and it’s given me a lot to think about. Thanks for taking the time to share and teach.
Amber, your post is so well written and resonates with me tremendously.
I’ve never found “mama” to be a complimentary term (outside of one’s own children using it)
I recently I started selling clothing on kidizen and the platform refers to women as mamas.
Now I understand that the idea of the platform is mother’s selling their children’s clothing and their own clothing. So when selling a woman’s shirt, I must categorize it in the “mamas” category- not women’s.
But concept aside, I find it degrading. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children. With my every fiber, I love my children.
I am a woman who is many things. One of those things is being a mother.
I realize that there are women out there who subscribe their entire identity into being a mom.
Many mothers have monetized their motherhood with blogs and social media platforms.
That’s great! I don’t judge or look down on that. We have the right to create our own identities. More power to these women and their personal choices!
But I still don’t feel comfortable calling them mama anymore than I want to be called mama.
I hate to sound all femenistically high-horsed, but I feel the term “mama”, at least in American culture, is a term contributing to keeping women in line and at home beyond their own personal choice to do so.
I literally cringe everytime I have to describe a women’s item as a mamas item on that platform.
Anyway, thank you Amber, for sharing your perspective.