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Twin Cities Mom Collective

Welcome To The Parenthood Club

Welcome To The Parenthood Club | Twin Cities Moms Blog

It sounds cliche, but it’s true: Before you become a parent, you really have no idea what you’re in for. No amount of research can prepare you for the real thing. Even if you have a brood of nieces and nephews or nannied dozens of kids, it’s different having your own.

As someone with embarassingly little babysitting experience and limited exposure to young kids, I approached the looming due date for our first child with the uncertainty of a Spanish conquistador nearing the shores of a new world. I knew life was about to change in a big way. I also knew I didn’t really know anything when it came to raising children.

I tried to make up for this lack of experience by reading every book I could get my hands on. While I did gain some useful information about how to soothe a baby (as well as which shade of mustard-yellow his poops should be and other practical matters), I was shell-shocked when it came to the day-to-day realities of caring for a newborn.

My firstborn is now a toddler. With two kiddos under my saggy mom belly belt, I’m in a much more enlightened place. If I could go back in time and tell that pregnant conquistador what to expect, I’d skip over the nuances of diaper rash treatments and pacifier brands. Instead, I’d focus on the things you can’t read in books — the nitty-gritty details that really show how your life changes the moment that slippery, wiggly newborn enters the world.

Things like:

1. How much time you’ll spend tending to bodily functions. (And how you’ll be totally unfazed by said bodily functions.)

Let’s be real: Cute as they are, babies are basically pooping, farting, spit-up machines. At only two months old, my dainty little princess could clear the room with her silent deadlies. She once broke wind for a record-breaking 12 seconds straight.

Every parent has a story about getting splattered by fluids or fishing floaters out of bathtub. In a panic to keep newborn poop from getting all over the carpet (that stuff sure stains!), I once intercepted a gusher midstream with my bare hands. Another time, we dealt with a carseat blowout so severe that we briefly considered just trashing the seat and getting a new one. We quickly developed an all-hands-on-deck alert for dealing with these “disaster dipes” — a protocol that would rival the efficiency and urgency of a hospital coding situation.

And don’t get me started on vomit.

Spit-up is one thing; vomit is quite another. The first time my son came down with the stomach flu, our house turned into a hazmat zone. I’ve never seen so much puke in my life. And so many colors! The cleanup operation involved laundering virtually every towel, blanket and clothing item we owned. (As a reward for my efforts, I caught the nasty stomach bug a few days later, while 30-some weeks pregnant to boot.)

We’ve only begun to dip our toes into the waters of potty training (no pun intended), and it’s already been a messy endeavor. During our son’s first introduction to the potty chair, he promptly stood up and peed all over the floor. A few days later, we made the mistake of letting him watch the iPad while sitting on the loo. Let’s just say that, due to an unfortunate mishap, the screen ended up getting an unintended christening.

That’s parenthood for you.

Welcome To The Parenthood Club | Twin Cities Moms Blog

2. How things that used to be so simple are now exceedingly complex.

Take getting out the door. Every outing with two kids under two feels like an exam in applied logistics. How do you navigate the library with a toddler who can’t walk, a newborn, a diaper bag the size of a suitcase and an armload of books?

Even if it’s just a trip to Cub, you have to pack up your entire household. It’s not enough to bring diapers, wipes, burp cloths, bibs, Tylenol, teething tablets, bottles, snacks, toys, books and blankets. You also have to plan for endless contingencies. Toddler throws a tantrum? Whip out the iPad for some YouTube videos — insta-calm. Carseat won’t fit in the shopping cart? No problem, you’ve got the Baby Bjorn. Spit-up spewing all over your newborn’s adorable sleeper as well as your own shirt? You’ve got a change of clothes for everyone.

You also need a stroller — scratch that, strollers. The umbrella for quick trips or small spaces. For indoors, the mall stroller with the snack tray and parent console. The handy-dandy BOB for everything else. (And, once you have two kids, awkwardly huge double strollers of each variety.)

Welcome To The Parenthood Club | Twin Cities Moms Blog

Besides a stroller, an overstuffed diaper bag becomes your constant companion. By the time I finally set aside our clown car of a diaper bag in favor of a normalish-sized purse, I was fast approaching my due date for baby No. 2. Her arrival meant doubling the amount of stuff I had to lug around.

Traveling, too, becomes a Herculean endeavor with kids.

Now I’m not saying it’s impossible. But let’s be serious: It will probably require at least twice as much effort and planning as you put into your wedding. (I spent more time packing for a piddly two-day visit to Duluth than I did for an entire two-week backpacking trip through Europe back before we had kids). What’s more, when you finally get home and can breathe a sigh of relief that nothing went completely off the rails, you need a vacation from your vacation — especially when your littles wake you up six times a night now that their sleep schedules are in shambles.

Which brings me to the next point…

3. How much you’ll value sleep.

Before I had kids, I used to naively wonder why new parents were so obsessed with sleep. I mean, c’mon, I pulled a few all-nighters studying for finals in law school. How much worse could it get?

I was sure in for a rude awakening. My son came along, and he never slept more than two or three hours at a time. For months on end.

Once you become a parent, you eventually come to terms with a simple fact: You’ll never again know what it’s like to sleep for eight hours straight. Or to sleep in past 8 am, for that matter.

If you’re lucky, you’ll learn to sleep in small increments whenever you can. (I’ll admit I’ve snuck a few Z’s on the couch while my toddler is absorbed in Super Why.) But not everyone has that ability. To those folks: I’m sorry. I’ll be the first one to understand when you arrive at work an hour late with mismatched shoes and milk-stained pants, looking like you’re not sure what century it is. I’ve been there.

Eventually, you come to terms with life on little sleep. You find a way to function. And you have an unquestionable excuse to guzzle coffee all day long.

4. How you gain an impressive repertoire of new life skills.

Multitasking, for example. Sure, you thought you could multitask before kids. But parenting takes it to a whole new level.

As a young college waitress, you prided yourself on juggling a dozen tables during busy dinner shifts without forgetting anyone’s side of A1. Now you find yourself breastfeeding a newborn while scrounging up lunch for your toddler while calling out your grocery list to Alexa while reheating your cup of coffee for the umpteenth time.

Another skill: Uncharted levels of speed and efficiency. So long as the kids are contained, you can shower, get dressed and throw on some makeup — all in under five minutes. And you can tidy up that hurricane-strewn toy room in two minutes flat.

Parenting also gives you the invaluable ability to tune out loud, obnoxious noises. Before having kids, I never thought I’d be one of those moms who doesn’t seem to notice her toddler screaming at tornado-siren volume in the middle of the grocery store. I once watched in awe (or was it horror?) as a youngster droned on “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy” for five full minutes until his mother finally took notice and politely asked the kid to address her in a more civil manner.

These days, I’m the one ignoring my toddler’s tantrum and pretending to keep my cool when he reaches DEFCON level 1 in the toy aisle of the grocery store. (Why, oh why, must the diapers always be right next to the six-foot shelf of die-cast cars?)

As every parent knows, you quickly get used to a lot of screaming and crying. And whining. And squealing. And every other ear-piercing noise a small human can make.

Conversely, until you’re a parent, you never realize how an unexpected twenty minutes of silence can be just as refreshing as an entire day at the spa.

5. How you start to go a little crazy.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but something about parenthood makes you question your sanity. You cut your shower short because you swear you hear the baby crying, even though she’s fast asleep. You wake up gasping during the night, heart racing, convinced the baby somehow leapt into your bed — only to realize she’s in her bassinet six feet away.

The first time your baby finally sleeps through the night, your eyes pop open like clockwork at 2, 4 and 6 am, and you check a half-dozen times to make sure she’s still breathing. You put your keys in the fridge and your milk in the cupboard. You accidentally dump eight ounces of liquid-gold breast milk down the drain and then ugly-cry about it.

What’s more, you always have that nagging feeling that you’ve forgotten something. Spurred by said feeling, you’re constantly glancing down to make sure you didn’t leave your nursing tank unsecured or your milkers hanging out (a real possibility, given how half your brain cells seem to be dormant these days). I could keep going, but — hang on, the baby just spat up everywhere… What was I saying?

Let’s move on.

6. How fulfilling it is to share your child’s wonderment and joy as they discover the world.

Now for the brighter side of motherhood.

What they say is true: When you have kids, you get to relive all the best parts of your own childhood. The simple pleasure of crunching fall leaves underfoot. The quiet beauty of the season’s first snowfall. The thrill of plummeting down the neighborhood sledding hill at breakneck speed. The excitement of seeing real live zoo animals you’ve been reading about in bedtime stories.

Welcome To The Parenthood Club | Twin Cities Moms Blog

I never used to pay much attention to fire trucks, trains and taxis — until they became our toddler’s biggest passion. Now, when we’re out for a walk and a school bus approaches, it’s almost as momentous as glimpsing a moose in the wild. I can’t help but share in my toddler’s elation as he points and grins, clearly blown away.

Parenting also gives you an excuse to participate in youngster-oriented events and activities (at least, without looking like a creepy lurker). Big truck day at the library. Kiddie rides at the state fair. Bouncy houses at the local summer festival. An Okee Dokee Brothers concert.

But you’re not just indulging in nostalgic moments. You also get to shape your kids’ childhood — an incredibly meaningful pursuit.

7. How you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Life is different post-kids. (Now that’s an understatement.) New challenges confront you every day. You face depths of fatigue you never felt possible. The questions are never-ending, and there are rarely clear answers. You’re stretched in a million different directions.

But you wouldn’t have it any other way.

The simple yet indescribable joy of rocking your baby to sleep far outweighs the countless blowouts and spit-ups. Watching your toddler’s eyes light up when you walk into daycare, you don’t worry about the constant mess in the living room. Peeking into the crib and admiring that angelic face as she sleeps, you forget the temper tantrums and the time-outs. Hearing him say, “Mama,” whether for the first time or the thousandth, your heart melts.

Welcome to parenthood. The cost of membership may be high — whether fertility difficulties, a complicated pregnancy, a years-long wait for adoption or merely the day-to-day hurdles of life with littles. But it’s the best club in the world.

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