A chronic lack of sleep, that is when you have crossed the threshold into parenthood. From the minute your precious little one arrives the deprivation begins and for many, sleep remains elusive well into preschool. While in the hospital, mothers are drilled by lactation consultants on latch, positioning and nipple confusion. The pediatrician signs off on health and sends you home with a box of diapers. Your mother-in-law drops off hotdish and a onesie. The assistance and advice come from every direction, solicited or not.
Oddly enough though, no one snuggles up with that bag of chocolate to discuss the finer points of putting your new bundle of joy to sleep. Everyone assumes that there will be long nights of cluster feedings and mind-numbing crying. Sleepless nights are the initiation ritual of parenting. This new groggy reality is shrugged off by the seasoned parenting veterans around you as, “Welcome to motherhood, time to figure it out!”
Those sleepless nights? I have discovered that they are self-inflicted torture.
The discovery of my errant ways came when I, a seasoned mother of two, hired a sleep consultant.
My little ones were sleeping like champs until they weren’t. Teething, ear infections and the terrible threes were our downfalls. My husband and I were on multi-hour-long marathons of putting the kids to bed. Slowly we grew more annoyed with each other, more resentful and short-tempered. Our household lacked harmony, our marriage was struggling. Chronic sleep deprivation causes once stable parents to become uncharacteristically mean.
On the suggestion of my younger sister, she referred us to her sleep consultant and we dug in. All in. It was an expensive investment and a three-week endurance test. Along the way, her coaching fine-tuned the art of sleep in our household. It was embarrassing as it became clear that we were self-sabotaging restful sleep for the entire family.
What is sleep training?
Sleep training extends well beyond ‘crying it out’. Within the program is a mathematical formula for waking periods, nap time and night sleep. There are modifications to the sleep environment of the nursery, pajamas and when errands run in the car. It is a holistic lifestyle change.
Why should you hire a sleep consultant?
- Because as a mom, mothering is hard enough. You need sleep, your husband needs sleep, everyone needs sleep.
- Eight hours of undisturbed sleep is a gift that is difficult to quantify because it is so precious.
- Many work with high-need and special-needs infants and children. And yes, there is a distinct difference between the two.
Doctors William and Martha Sears, pediatricians, coined the term “high need baby”. They assert that some little ones need, “More touch, more understanding, more sensitivity, more attachment parenting.” It describes a temperament that is very communicative and expressive. These babies are very alert and require more stimulation and attention than other babies. It is often mislabeled as ‘colic’. High-need is used to describe personality characteristics of an infant whereas a special-needs infant has been diagnosed medical illness, syndrome or condition. Regardless of the label or level of difficulty being experienced, a sleep consultant will help tailor a sleeping program for your child that meets their unique needs at any stage or condition in their young life. My consultant is a mother of an Autistic son and is incredibly knowledgeable and passionate about providing solutions for these specific families.
Conversely, as my sleep consultant explained to me: “Parents assume they have a high-need child when, in fact, they just have a very significant sleep deficit. A child who is not getting proper rest will have a very difficult temperament, will be harder to put to sleep and keep asleep, will be fussy/cranky all throughout the day, and lack the ability to entertain themselves.”
Often, sorting out the sleep schedule will produce a dramatic change in mood. My sister found that her daughter had a considerable personality change once her sleeping patterns were aligned with her age.
What modifications were implemented?
- Removed the feeding recliner from the nursery. It was important that our infant did not associate feeding with her sleeping space.
- Removed all night lights and installed black-out curtains. Darkness aids the production of melatonin which is essential in the control of sleeping and natural sleep and wake cycles.
- Avoid napping in the car and stroller. When a child sleeps while they are in motion, they will not reach the deep sleep phase. It is during the deep sleep phase that a child develops melatonin.
Why is melatonin so important?
During the deep sleep phase, a child develops the hormone melatonin – it promotes sleep and restfulness. As infants hit the three-month mark, their sleep patterns become more consistent and the melatonin production begins. Without it, your baby will have an increased overtired state and any sleep gained will not be as restorative as it could be. Not all sleep is equal.
How do I find a consultant?
Remember the amount of stress you experienced finding a car seat? A lot of dedicated work and research went into that over-priced safety choice. Apply that ferocity to achieving glorious sleep. Study after study has proven the importance of sleep on infant development. Read reviews, ask for referrals find a good fit for you and your family. Your sleep consultant does not need to be in your immediate area; mine lives in Virginia and was available at all hours with a call or text. Others will come into your home and hold your hand while you struggle along. Cast your net far and wide, tailor your investment.
Final Thoughts:
Do not skip naps, do not overshoot bed time. It is a common misconception that if a child goes to bed late then they will ‘sleep in’ to make up time for lost sleep. The exact opposite is true. Children will often awake earlier than normal and thus set off a tornado of mixed emotions for the day. If you remember anything from this post: Sleep promotes sleep.
Did anyone ever tell you, ‘Never wake a sleeping baby.’? Ignore it. Two hard and fast rules that I had to implement immediately were to not let my children nap for longer than three hours and to wake them should their nap go beyond 3 or 4 pm (depending on age). Ignoring these two benchmarks would disrupt their night-time putting to sleep routine and their restorative schedule.
In full disclosure, the sleeping regimen is daunting because it requires a lifestyle change. If you have young children it will require that you stay close to home. Our weekend activities and errands are strategically calculated to accommodate nap times. If you have a 3-year-old and an infant, it is even more challenging because their ages dictate that they do not nap at the same time. Before selecting a consultant, ask for a consultation to make sure that their plan will work with your lifestyle unless you are able to fully implement their plan you will likely find yourself more frustrated than restored.
