Throwing Around the F Word

The other day, my oldest daughter, a 4th grader, came home from school and said something I’ve dreaded for awhile.

“Mom, today ‘Susie’ called me fat.”

Fat.

A word I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.

First of all, you should know that my daughter is a healthy weight for her age, and at 55 lbs, actually falls a few pounds below the recommended number for her height.

This girl was calling her fat, not because she IS fat, but because she wanted to hurt her. And the best way she knew how to do it was to call her something horrible. FAT.

I can only imagine that there are reasons this girl knows the power of this word. I can only assume that this word is tossed around in her own home, or in her daycare, or in her neighborhood, carelessly and thoughtlessly. That people may have called HER fat. That her parents may have. And my heart aches for her.

When I was 16, I decided that I was fat. A boyfriend at the time suggested it, and I took it as truth.

I began to believe that I was so large, at 5’4″ and 115 lbs, that drastic measures needed to be taken.

First, I decided to try the zero calorie route. But it was difficult. You see, I really liked food, and I was often grumpy because I was eating so little. But I had some results with this, and I didn’t want to stop losing weight altogether. So I switched to bulimia.

For years, I lived this way, tricking myself into believing I wasn’t a REAL bulimic – after all, I didn’t have to use my fingers to throw up, and it wasn’t ALL the time. Just when I had eaten more than I should.

It took years to stop allowing the lie to dictate my behaviors and choices.

And I’ll be darned if I’m going to let my girls fall into this same trap.

Protecting our girls from this false message starts at home. When we talk about dieting, or gaining weight, or how we look, those words seep right into their little brains at an early age, take root, and ideas start to grow. We can talk about healthy choices, talk about making wise decisions, but when we talk about how OUR worth is tied up with our weight, our girls believe it of themselves as well.

And when they see an ad, a picture, a video, that suggests that they are anything other than beautiful, we can strike up a conversation. A conversation about just what beauty is. About why they are beautiful, and worthy, and fabulous.

And we can teach our sons to see real beauty too, and how to lift up a woman instead of pulling her down. Because I want my son to be the kind of man who believes that the women around him are worth their weight in gold, and not that their worth is directly proportionate to their weight.

If you believe you, your daughter, or someone you know has an issue that has gone beyond what you can help on your own, there are several good programs in town that can counsel you through it. The Emily Program and Waters Edge are just two of these. I’d also be happy to chat. You can find me at cate@wildruffle.com.