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Twin Cities Mom Collective

The Talk

The Talk | Twin Cities Moms BlogThe talk.

It’s the dreaded phrase of every parent whose children are reaching the age of asking questions.

I began having “the talk” when my oldest daughter was just an infant.

Yes – I can almost see your eyes opening wide in horror, but let me explain how conversations about sex work in our home – my hope is that it’ll encourage you as you hit these parenting milestones.

1) Start them young.

From the very beginning, we called things by their correct name. A vagina was a vagina. A penis was a penis.

We never wanted any shame associated with sex, and so we made it matter of fact. I must admit, this one was harder for my husband than me – he still prefers the words ‘hoohah’ and ‘dinger’ – but he hopped on board with my plan because he agreed it was a good one.

Because we were straightforward from day 1, we didn’t have to start from scratch when we did sit down to explain the act of sex.

2) Be honest, but be careful.

As my kids have grown, they’ve asked questions from time to time. When I was pregnant with twins, my oldest daughter was full of them. My goal was always to give these questions an honest, but age appropriate answer. No matter how uncomfortable it was to talk about sex, brushing her off, or telling her to ask her daddy was only going to lead to more awkward conversations down the road.

At the same time, I never wanted to give her more information than she was ready for. When Avery asked, at age 3, how the babies got in my tummy, telling her that God took a piece of mommy and a piece of daddy and knit them together in my womb was enough for her – anything else would’ve been confusing.

3) Be realistic.

If you don’t talk to your kids about sex by the time they are 8 or 9, someone else is going to. We are living in a day and age when information about anything and everything is readily available to our children.

And even back when I was young, there were always friends who knew more than me, and they were more than happy to share their knowledge. I’ll never forget my introduction to sex at age 9. My classmate, Leah, told me all about how her stepdad had been released from jail over the weekend, and he and her mom spent as much time humping as possible. Lovely.

4) Find good resources to help.

We gave Avery the book, The Care and Keeping of You (an American Girl book), when she was about 7 1/2. It’s a simple, straightforward book about what a girl’s body goes through during puberty. The two of us read it together, which gave her opportunities to ask questions.

The boy’s version of this book is called The Boy’s Body Book, and it also addresses the subject of puberty without actually going into the act of sex.

Other books that have been recommended to me are How to Talk to You Child About Sex, Passport2Purity, The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment, and Intended for Pleasure.

Friends can be great resources, too. I talked to them about the conversations they had with their kids and their thoughts on sharing info. It didn’t mean I changed the way I planned to talk to my own children, but it was nice to hear perspective from others.

I’d love to hear any other book recommendations you have in the comments below!

5) Tell them how amazing sex is!

There is no reason for your child to be scared of sex or to think of it as something naughty. It is a beautiful and fun thing to do – in the right context. Two grown adults, in a loving and committed relationship, should find that sex brings them closer together and completes that relationship.

When we were finally ready for our official “talk” (at age 8), I emphasized to Avery that sex is not to be taken lightly, that it forever changes you, that when you give yourself to someone you are giving them a piece of you. In our home, we believe that sex is best when it’s within the confines of marriage, and I shared that belief with her.

6) Tell them to keep their knowledge to themselves.

You don’t want your child to be someone’s ‘Leah.’ I told Avery that just like when she discovered the truth about Santa, the topic of sex and what it entails is something special for moms and dads to talk about, and that if she had questions it was best to bring them home for myself or my husband to answer.

Have you had “the talk” with your kids yet? What are your thoughts on the best way to share it?

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6 comments

Amy Lemaniak April 17, 2014 at 9:06 AM

This is so helpful and something I’m dreading!! I think with boys it’s so much easier to rely on our husbands to have the talk and I wasn’t sure what age would be good but this is a great guide on when to do it! Going to order that book for my son and find a good time to sit down and have a chat 🙂

Reply
Cate @ Wild Ruffle April 18, 2014 at 9:06 AM

Good luck! So glad you found this helpful!

Reply
Suzanne April 17, 2014 at 9:16 AM

Some really funny comments in there! Thanks!

I really like this. It’s so straight forward. It’s matter of fact, along with a piece about how our hearts are affected. Such good tips and writing. I appreciate it!

Reply
Cate @ Wild Ruffle April 18, 2014 at 9:06 AM

Thanks Suzanne! 🙂

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Christine Smith April 18, 2014 at 10:27 AM

Another piece to this puzzle is finding out what is taught in your kids’ schools, hopefully BEFORE it is presented to your kids. 4th and 5th grade are times when it starts getting rolled out and it amps up in middle school. If your school has not given parents the option to review (and even opt of out) sex ed curriculum you need to press in to the principal or district to get that info so that you have a chance to discuss with your kids any areas that do not agree with your family’s beliefs and philosophies.

Reply
Cate @ Wild Ruffle May 7, 2014 at 1:15 PM

Good points!

Reply

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