When expecting your first child, you often have an idea in your head of the type of mother you want to be. You daydream about how you will speak to your child, the example you will set, the opportunities you will provide and so much more. But reality rarely matches the vision, and it is easy to beat yourself up over what you should have done better. Or worse yet, let comparison convince you that your way is wrong.
As you add children to your family, things change again. The second child doesn’t get your undivided attention in the way your first did. Your attention is divided. You strive to be a present and engaged mama, but sometimes you just need a break and perhaps a bit of self-care. You also know so much more than you did the first time around. While some things seem easier, other things are so much harder.
There is so much pressure from pop culture, social media, even our personal networks to be the perfect mom. But we all know this mom doesn’t exist (at least I hope we do). Or not in the sense that we think. When you really consider the idea of a perfect mom, it is unrealistic that one framework would ever work for every child or family. Given that no two children are the same, no family units are the same, and every marriage is also unique, there is no cookie cutter approach to motherhood. But this doesn’t stop us from striving to fill the mythical role of motherhood. To be the cool mom, disciplined mom, healthy mom, active mom, engaged mom, working mom and any other kind of mom you can think of. We would never put this kind of pressure on our children so why do it to ourselves?
I, like many moms and women, have consumed content from Rachel Hollis. She is vocal, trendy and girl has reach. While some of her messages don’t resonate with me, there is one in particular that spoke volumes. In “Girl, Wash Your Face,” she shared a sentiment about being the perfect mom for her kids. And it was like a light bulb went off. The idea that I am exactly the mom and parent that my children need, because they are my children and I am their mom. I know them, I love them and I ultimately want the best for them. Additionally, she took it a bit further and noted that children don’t have a frame of reference for what a good mom is. They just know their mom. If you work outside the home, they know what it’s like to go to daycare and have family time in the evening. If you stay at home, they engage with you throughout the day and get to share fun moments in real time. If you travel frequently, they hear about airplanes, how much you miss them and why travel is a part of your life.
This is an important reminder to us all. We shouldn’t strive to be the perfect mom, but instead, to be the mom our children need. Which is exactly the mom that we are. This doesn’t mean that we always have it together. It doesn’t mean we won’t lose our patience or wish we had done things differently. But it does mean that we are doing the best we can with what we know. And at the end of the day, that is what matters. Because the mom who worries about doing more or better is the mom who is already doing a pretty amazing job. Just ask her kids.
