The Magical 3-Second Pause

I like being efficient and checking things off lists. Sometimes my children hinder my efficiency with their unpredictable needs and unexpected bickering. Oh, children.

When I’m working hard to accomplish something in one room and the bickering escalates to new levels in the other room, I reluctantly head over and check it out. I bop my head in, quickly assess the situation, then dish out wisdom and consequences and get back to work, all in the time it takes one of them to say, “But Mooooooooommmmmmm…”

Lately, though, I’ve come to realize that while there have been times that my quick perceptions are accurate, there are many times when they are not.

I don’t know what started all of this exactly, but I began to embrace a new approach in the last few months. Instead of barging into a situation and immediately engaging, I started pausing first to take it all in. This extra time only amounts to about 3 seconds per situation, but it has made a lasting difference. 

Once I saw my oldest daughter wrestling with her younger brother in the living room and he was not having fun. I was about to tell her to stop wrestling when I realized she was trying to put his socks on him so we could leave the house! HE was the one who was not cooperating by refusing socks. Those 3 seconds helped me see the situation for what it really was. Those 3 seconds allowed me to give different, more applicable guidance. My heart also soared as I realized my oldest was trying to help our family and work for the greater good. I was proud of her for doing her job and attempting to help him do his.

I’ve often found my heart changed after observing for a bit longer before reacting. One day I was in the living room near my 3-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter. His little cars were out and my 1-year-old came over to where he was playing and grabbed the car he had just set down. He yelled at her immediately (we are in that emotional volcano stage of life with him), but I looked closer. She had the car in her hand and was moving toward him. I think she was trying to hand it back to him! I was able to talk with him and show him that she was attempting to love him and care for him by giving him the special car back. He calmed quickly and said thank you to her in the most tender of voices. She smiled proudly. What a difference.

The best results from this practice come when I pair my 3-second pause with an open heart that assumes the best. I’m still learning this and trying to teach my kids about it too. Most of their arguments stem from misunderstandings. When I can help them see the love that’s woven into the situation, they soften a bit. I also coach them to talk it out. It’s amazing how when my kids approach situations with calm words it goes much smoother than their instincts to just erupt!

It is a challenge to pause sometimes. I go through most days in a tizzy, trying to fit it all in and keep me, the kids, and the house still standing at the end of the day. I often want to rush through conflict resolution to keep things clipping along, but the 3-second pause has been profoundly transformational in helping me situations for what they really are.