Nurturing a Helpful Heart Part 1

Martin Luther King Jr. said it best:

Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, What are you doing for others?

I have shared here before about the struggles my son faces with ADHD. Even though he is smart, traditional learning is difficult for him. Parent/Teacher Conferences are often uncomfortable for me, as I know I am going to hear hard things. But at my son’s last conference, his teacher started off our discussion time by telling me how compassionate my son is to other kids who are hurting.  He shared stories of my son coming to the aid of the new kid in class or the bullied boy on the playground. After hearing that, it didn’t really matter what the teacher said about my son’s academic performance, because to me, seeing and attending to the needs of others is a far greater life skill than knowing how to find the product of a bi-numeral, coefficient, long division math problem.

While I think facing his own struggles has opened his eyes to the burdens others are facing, my husband and I have also been intentional in cultivating and nurturing a spirit of helping others in our family. Here are a few things I have learned along the way:

1. Teach your kids to look for clues about how other kids might be feeling.  Small children are egocentric and can think only of themselves, but around the age of  5 they begin to learn that other kids have feelings just like they do. This is a good time to seize the opportunity to teach kids to think about others. When you see another child crying, ask your son or daughter, “How do you think they are feeling right now?” or “What do you think they could be crying about?” We cannot see the needs of others if we are not looking for them. Then brainstorm ideas of how you could help. Maybe they need a friend to play with or they are hungry and you can share your snack with them. Or maybe they just need help finding their football (see picture below). Whatever the possibility, if it’s feasible, follow through on your ideas.

2.  Change your terminology. Ask your child, “Do you want to be my helper” instead of asking, “Do you want to help me?” There was a study recently published about how much more willing children are to complete tasks asked of them if you ask them to be a “helper” instead of asking them to just help out. Apparently the use of a noun (Helper) instead of a verb (Helping) motivated kids to perform chores and tasks because they take on an identity rather than just performing an action. I found this fascinating so I tried it with my boys. Let’s just say I wasn’t the one doing the dishes after supper that night.

3. Find ways to serve one another in your immediate family.  While it’s true that my oldest son is very compassionate when it comes to others, he often couldn’t care less when his brother is hurting. We have had to make a point of finding ways to help each other out. One way we do this is to have each brother pack a lunch for the other a couple days a week. This activity requires them to think about the food that the other person likes and sacrifice their time to make 2 lunches. They usually beam with pride when they have accomplished this simple offering. I also encourage them to share with each other…whether it’s a special football jersey, a favorite toy, or just a malt from the State Fair. Sharing teaches them generosity and helps them learn to be less selfish.

4. Give away your gently used toys and clothes. At the end of every season I have the boys collect toys, books, clothes, etc that they are no longer using. I used to go through their rooms while they were at school and find items to donate myself. But I think it’s better if kids are active participants in this endeavor. I want my boys to feel the sting of sacrifice they are making as they part with their belongings. We have given some of our used items to  Goodwill, but I also like taking them to the local women’s shelter where it seems to have more of an impact on my kids than just dropping off a box in the drive-through donation center. If you’re a die-hard garage saler, consider donating a portion of your profits to an organization that helps less fortunate children.

5. Volunteer together. Kids learn best by example. If you have a helpful heart, your children will hopefully develop one naturally. Did your friend just have a baby? Offer to bring them a meal and involve your kids in every step of the execution from planning, grocery shopping, cooking and delivering. Do you have a friend who is moving? Offer to gather up boxes for them or provide breakfast on the day of the move. Know someone who is having surgery or undergoing treatment for something? Offer to mow their yard, shovel their driveway or buy their groceries. If your kids are small, coloring a picture or making a Get Well Soon card is a small gesture that can make a big difference. Is someone new moving into the neighborhood? Make a pan of brownies with your child and deliver them together.

The Twin Cities is home to many great organizations where you can volunteer with your children. Another day, I will share with you some of my favorite places we like to serve together.

Shine On-

Karri