The ball has dropped.
The calendar has turned.
The party blowers have been blown.
The fireworks have gone off.
Resolutions have been chosen.
Gym memberships have been made.
Trendy diets have been selected.
New running shoes have been laced up.
It’s a new year, but I am the same me.
This isn’t particularly exciting for someone who has been carrying around a lot of personal goals lately and hoped that the new year would bring some new magic ability to achieve at least a few of them. Maybe even overnight, if possible.
But, alas, I woke up on the first of the year and found that I am the exact same woman. I am the same mom with the same job and the same car. I live in the same house with the same dog and husband and children in the same city, on the same corner.
I lay my head down each night wrestling the same thoughts, I feel the same intense feelings when I wrap my little ones in my arms and my husband and I work through the same goals and conversations together, learning to lean into a deeper love and understanding. Just like the day before.
The changing of a calendar year, the turning of a page, holds incredible significance to so many, but for me, it is mostly just another day and I need to let myself be okay with that.
All the changes that I seek- the desire to fit in my jeans better and the desperate need to organize my pantry and start a new project or change a stubborn mindset and create new habits- they are good and there’s a time and a place for them, but they are all linked to the same woman that’s always been in me.
And she will be there even if my jean size is smaller. She will be there if my house is cleaner or I eat differently. She is the one that needs nurturing and care (and yes, diet and exercise are good for her!). But first, I need to love the one I already am.
And while it can be helpful for some to mark areas of growth with the masses, to join forces and have solidarity as they move forward, I’ve never been able to push this type of self-growth through someone else’s timeline. I need to stop and listen to who I am. To respect and acknowledge who has always been in there before any change can happen.
I need to love the one I already am.
And that can happen on any day of the year.
For many this happens on the first of the year, but for me, it may happen on a cold winter Thursday evening as I’m rocking my baby to sleep. Or on a Sunday afternoon over a hot cup of coffee with my love or on a balmy summer morning sitting outside on the back porch eating breakfast with my family. It’s hard to say when change and growth will happen to me, but I know that it can only really happen if I spend each day learning to love who I already am.
In the new year, I’ll reflect, I’ll look at who I’ve become and I’ll celebrate the ups and gently learn from the downs, but I won’t be ashamed of who I am today.
