I don’t want to brush aside the importance of following along with the actual news. I typically start my day with a glance at the headlines and a podcast or two—but does anyone else feel like their own day could warrant a headline or two? What if parents wrote the headlines? Really, family life covers all the basic news sections and storylines: we’ve got warring factions (aka siblings), drama (miscellaneous tantrums), business (balancing work and childcare), an arts and culture section (dominated by paper and crayons), food and recipes (staring at the pantry at 5 pm), and even romance (on occasion).
Here are some stories that might make the news if parents wrote the headlines:
Missing Mitten Rocks Morning
The mudroom was overturned this morning as a search was conducted for a missing mitten. “It looks blue and black just like the other one, except the thumb is on the other side,” said a boy familiar with the item. After searching through several backpacks, shelves, and the entirety of the floor, it was eventually found in the storage bin, exactly where it was supposed to be. While the children involved made it to the bus on time, their mother was left to deal with the resulting chaos of the mudroom on her own.
Coffee Shortage Leaves Mom in Crisis
A local mom opened her pantry today to discover she was out of coffee beans. “I don’t know how this happened,” she said, sounding close to tears, “I was just at Target yesterday.” Sources close to the family report that it had been her third trip to the popular big box department store chain this week alone. She was seen again this morning at her local Target, where despite purchasing two pounds of coffee beans, she also left the store with an iced coffee with oat milk from the in-store Starbucks.
Brothers: The Worst Ever
Our special 7-year-old correspondent reports that “brothers are the worst ever” after they “ruined” her day by not listening while playing a game and also taking six crayons. This is despite the fact that other reports suggest a bin filled with hundreds of crayons sitting next to her and that the game was made up with ill-defined rules. Despite those facts, our 7-year-old correspondent advises you to use caution when interacting with someone who could, in fact, be a brother.
Today in Music
According to the Google Home in the living room, today’s most popular songs are “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” and “Surface Pressure,” both from the popular Disney movie Encanto, as well as the “Bluey” theme song. This is the sixth week in a row that songs from the Encanto soundtrack have made the top three, and it doesn’t look to be letting up anytime soon.
Taking Away Screen Time: A Consequence for Who?
Parents across the country are asking themselves why they took away their children’s screen time today, typically as a consequence of various transgressions. “It came out of my mouth before I even knew what I was doing,” said one dad while his children ran through the background of an important Zoom call. “I can’t take it back now,” said another mom regretfully, as her resourceful children pulled out every craft supply they’ve ever owned. Some observed that it seemed to be the parents who suffered the brunt of the screen time consequence, as they appeared less patient and more stressed with the removal of their children’s electronic devices.
Debate Rages Over the Effectiveness of Tooth-brushing
Dentists have insisted for years that teeth need to be brushed, with toothpaste and water, for two full minutes for it to be effective. A local 5-year-old disagrees, “I just, I don’t really like it,” he said. “My teeth are fine,” he added before running off to his bedroom to hide underneath a blanket from his dad, who was holding the boy’s toothbrush.
Questions Abound Over Lost Stuffed Animal
Despite a profound attachment to Chocolate, the stuffed dog, a 2nd-grade girl has no idea where it was last seen. This is the third time this week. Concerned parties searched the girl’s house, thoroughly investigating the bedrooms, playroom, and laundry bins. The girl remained frustrated over the loss of this treasured toy and was still seen awake a full 40 minutes past her bedtime. We will keep you updated on this developing story.
Parents Promised a Clean Room. They Were Disappointed
Despite assurances, accompanied by heavy sighs and eye-rolling, that their child’s room would be cleaned today, the boy’s parents were disappointed to find it still strewn with dirty clothes, LEGO pieces, Pokemon cards, and books when they checked on his room after he was asleep. The parents retreated to the basement to eat snacks and catch up on the latest season of Cheer, where they resolved to try again tomorrow.
