[Image courtesy of Kelly Conley Reiter Photography]
“I hear you have a lot of kids and another on the way.”
That was the first thing my new department head said to me in our initial one-on-one meeting. And if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t know how to respond. I immediately felt defensive and judged. It clouded the rest of our conversation. I felt like I needed to justify my parenting choices and desire for a big family.
I have more than 15 years of marketing and communications experience. And I struggle with the fact that someone who doesn’t know me and has never had a conversation with me would begin our relationship by commenting on my status as a mom. I love being a mom and especially a girl mom. But I also think that one can have multiple identities and be successful in those many roles. It isn’t a question of one or the other. A woman can be successful as a parent and in their professional work too. I want to be a good mom, but I also work very hard. I take on more than I probably should, but I’m also smart about how I work. I consider what matters most and focus my energy while still getting everything else done.
Since this conversation, I find myself replaying it in my mind. I am someone who tends to dwell and ruminate… for a variety of reasons. First, this comment came from a fellow mom. While our experiences in motherhood might be different, it is not my place to judge what motherhood looks like for someone else. Second, I’m frustrated with my immediate supervisor. Last time I checked, my resume doesn’t include the number of children I have or a note about being pregnant. And when talking up one’s team, I want to believe that my extensive public relations agency experience or work in higher education would be more relevant to my job performance and the role I’m currently in. My status as a mom of three (almost four) should be up to me to share.
I don’t feel a need to judge others for their personal or family choices. Within my circle of friends and neighbors, it is not uncommon to have three or four children. And given a pandemic that has now lasted more than seven months, I’m grateful that my girls have each other. They have truly become best friends. My two-year-old misses her sisters on school days and I love that their bond is so strong.
As a girl mom, I’m incredibly conscious of the words I use about my self. I don’t want to limit what my daughters think is possible in life. I want my girls to know that you can be a mom and anything else you want to be. You can have a large family and still succeed at work. You can pursue big goals and do anything you put your mind to. It’s all about a belief that more and better are possible.
As I walked away from this Zoom meeting, I knew she had judged me. The words she used to define me are not the example I want to set for my girls. First, I do not want them to feel judged by others. There is no right way to be a parent, or a professional – or live life. Second, I want them to know they are supported… that others will respect their personal choices without simultaneously judging their ability to perform and succeed professionally.
For me, this is a challenge. To do more. To do better. To grow. To accept. My family life is not a reflection of my ability to do good work and grow professionally. One can succeed in multiple roles and this is a challenge to do just that.
