When I was pregnant, my husband and I didn’t find out whether we were having a girl or boy. We thought the anticipation was fun. That the surprise would be exciting. And that it didn’t really matter either way. We also thought it would help us accumulate more gender-neutral baby gear (which is just our style, aesthetically, socially and – hello – hand-me-downs).
As we joyfully welcomed a daughter and decked her in tiny gray things, strangers told us how precious our son was. We put her in navy, and they asked how old he was. She worn green, and they asked us his name.
We never cared. Sometimes we corrected people. Most of the time we didn’t.
But we started to realize “gender neutral,” in popular opinion, means “boy.” When we ordered cloth diapers, we could choose from two color packages: girl (pink, purple, flowers) or boy-slash-gender neutral (blue, green, dinosaurs). Anything primary or rainbow colored, people thought boy. Just today, two strangers asked how old my little boy is – she was wearing a sweater with purple, pink and yellow stripes…on a gray background.
I have a little girl. I want her to be proud to be a girl and, one day, proud to be a woman. If that means doing it with a big, pink, sparkly bow on her head, more power to her. But I want her to know if she prefers gray sweatpants, she can rock those, too (and that I’ll be rocking mine).
If you spot a wee one and you just have to know, please just ask. Parents love talking about their babies – Mama will probably happily tell you if it’s a boy or girl…and probably the name, how many times she was up last night and how dilated she was when her epidural wore off, too. If you’ve gotta know, try asking:
- Is your little one a girl or boy? It is absolutely OK to ask this. When our daughter was a month or two old, we had lunch at an extremely authentic Vietnamese restaurant. Our little girl was decked head to toe in pink – super unusual for us – and when the server came to take our order, she grinned at the baby and asked, “Is it a boy or girl?” I was so happy.
- What’s your baby’s name? More often than not, this will get you your answer.
- How old is he or she? If you say “he or she,” Mom or Dad will probably clarify for you.
But first take a second and think, does it matter? What difference does it make to you if a little one is a girl or boy? What difference does it make to a baby, or to a parent? Instead, try:
- What a sweet little baby! How old?
- What fun or exciting things is your baby doing?
- You’re doing a great job, Mama/Papa.
How do you dress your little ladies and gentlemen? Do you put your girl in blue, your boy in pink or whomever in whatever you pull off the floor that’s kind of clean (guilty as charged)?
3 comments
THIS!!! I had to have a conversation with my brother-in-law with a similar message. I had silently cringed as my family made comments about my nephew being “all boy” as he was playing in mud or water. My daughter LOVES water(and mud) and will splash in any small bit of water she can find. One day while at their house she marched down to the puddles there and sat right down and started playing in the water. He commented saying “that’s your tomboy.” I immediately went on the defense and reminded him that no one says anything or labels his son for enjoying baking with his mom, a “girly” thing. It is SOO important to me that my daughter is not discouraged from doing something she enjoys because it’s “not a girl thing to do.” If she loves playing princess and wants to wear pink every day, great! If she wants to wear blue and play in the mud, that works too. I just want her to feel confident and do(and wear) what she enjoys without being labeled or chastised. Thank you for this!
I’m sure I’m going to have to come up with my responses to the “tomboy” statement since my daughter is probably going to be a normal kid too. I appreciate the reminder and heads up. Thank you for sharing.
The exact thing happened to us. We like “boy/gender neutral” or just subtly “girl” clothes and our one-year-old is constantly being called a boy. She gets it even in flower leggings and a purple shirt, so I theorize that it has more to do with her bald head. Which is even more ridiculous that to be a girl you have to have long flowy locks or pigtails. She rocks her extreme pixie hairdue. She looks amazing in blue. It is incredible the number of people that assume a baby’s gender. We don’t care if people think she’s a boy, but do casually slip a “she” in our response, so that maybe they’ll learn not to assume.