We’ve all been there. Whether it’s the challenge of social dynamics in your child’s peer group or just trouble with homework, it is never easy to stand by while the world is not going so well for our kids. We see them struggle and we want to fix it. Our worries spiral when we think about all that could happen if we don’t step in. Another way to look at it, though, is what happens to my child if I do step in, clear the path and smooth the bumps? I may protect them in the short run but what is lost?
Michael Thompson, Ph.D., is a best-selling author, speaker, consultant, and psychologist specializing in children and families. On the topic of clearing the path for children, he shares that when we step in, children miss out on the important struggles that push learning and the interaction with us that builds confidence. They miss the opportunity to wobble, to feel difficult feelings, to learn to struggle…and we miss the opportunity to be their excellent “second chicken” showing them how they should see themselves.
From Dr. Larry Cohen’s book, The Opposite of Worry, we learn that chicks look to another chick in the room to know how things are going. If two chicks are immobilized, even after being released, the less developed one will look to the other to see when it is OK to get up. If you immobilize a chick in front of a mirror, after its release, it will stay down much longer, seeing its reflection as the second chicken messaging “things are not OK and you’d better not get up!”
As parents and second chickens, our reaction to the challenges our children face message to them whether or not they can manage. If we regularly clear their path, fight their fights, or go overboard in emphasizing their “terrible situation” we telegraph that we do not believe in their ability to think through difficult situations and find their way out. As a result, their confidence suffers and “I can’t do it” can become their self-messaging.
In both academic and social settings, our children will find themselves in the Learning Pit (Nottingham, 2017). Academically, the pit may include feeling lost, frustrated, and confused. Socially, the pit usually provides an added dose of rejection, especially difficult for a parent to observe. When our kids are in the pit, it’s the pits for us, too! Nottingham and Dr. Thompson remind us that these times in the pit are when we need to provide encouragement that they will find their way out rather than a solution or sparkling rescue ladder. If we want academic and social learning to occur, we have to let them wobble. We should encourage, listen, and support but we cannot rescue them from the pit or they lose out on learning.
Our understanding of neuroplasticity and emotional regulation skill building, backs this up. It takes multiple trips through multiple learning pits to develop the neural pathways that become habits of mind, go-to thoughts, and self-beliefs. It takes trial and error to develop strategies, learn to manage big emotions, and respond effectively to challenge. Children who have the path cleared and adults fixing everything are robbed of the chance to develop these neural pathways and build confidence in their abilities.
“What about stress, though? My child is soooo stressed!!” There are two ways to look at this — reflect back on Dr. Thompson’s reminder that “Things don’t usually go wrong instantly” and know that there is time to observe, gather data, and have conversations with your child to ascertain where their stress is on the continuum between eustress and distress. Often, our children need help identifying if this is a challenge (eustress) or a problem (distress) and a well-placed strategy conversation with you or another trusted adult acting as the supportive second chicken will help them see how to manage the situation and get further help if needed.
Our children need to be seen and heard. They need to know we are listening with care. They also need to know that we are going to encourage them and that we believe in their competence even when they wobble.
