Find Your People: Finding Authentic Friendship During This Stage of Life

I recently went to a birthday party for my neighbor, who was turning 3.

Walking in, I realized that I was the odd woman out – all the other mothers knew each other from their daycare. Trying to break into the conversation proved difficult. These people clearly had no interest in adding another member to their little birthday team.

It took me back to when I was a new mother, at home with my baby for the first time. The list of women I knew with children was small, and the list who were at home with babies was even smaller. At times it felt impossible to insert myself into a new group of friends. It could have been a very lonely time for me, but instead I set about finding friendship.

A friend once asked me, “You seem to have a great circle of friends. How did you find your people?”

And the truth is that I have sought it out at every new stage. I’ve got great, drop-everything-on-a-dime-to-help-me, amazing friends. But I have intentionally collected these women over the years.

So how did it happen?

Moms groups have been instrumental for me, especially in the first few years of motherhood. There are tons of options out there, both faith-based and secular. I attended a MOPS group at my church and began to widen my circle. ECFE (early childhood family education) became a lifeline for many women I know, and are available in almost every community. Get past your fears and be the one to turn to the new face sitting beside you and introduce yourself. Ask her about herself, and get the ball rolling.

As my children got older, I began to volunteer at preschool and elementary school, eagerly signing up whenever a group project was involved. I arranged play dates for my kids in an effort to get to know their mothers. I opened my home so I could meet new friends.

Now that my kids are all in elementary school, I’m attending a women’s group on Wednesday mornings. It’s a step up from chatting about mothering – we’re on to all sorts of big life topics. Mine is at my church, but there are so many other opportunities for community. Start a wine or book club and ask everyone to invite a friend. Sign up to co-coach your child’s team with someone you don’t yet know.  Say yes when someone invites you to something out of your comfort zone. Walk over to the mama standing alone at the park and strike up a conversation.

But do you wanna know the best way to growing in a friendship that’s deep and authentic? Show them your ugly. Share the worst of you – your mistakes, your fears. Sit down at that mom’s group and allow yourself to become vulnerable. You know how you despise that perfect Pinterest mama you see online, where every Facebook status is an ode to the many ways she parents well? She’s not fun in person either. Nobody wants a perfect friend. Share the good, and have fun – but, oh how the icky stuff makes things real far more quickly.

Friendship in this stage of life isn’t often something you stumble into. It takes an effort, but it’s well worth it. Seek it out, and you will find it. Share your heart, and you’ll find others willing to do the same. Your people are waiting for you, and they’re worth hunting for.