Buy the Jeans That Fit You Now

Five months postpartum with my second kid and I finally bought a pair of jeans that fit. They arrived in packaging that said, “Yay!” all over them and while I was excited to have a trendy pair of denim, I was not feeling very “yay” about the size on the label.

It’s the largest size I’ve ever worn. The number on the scale is the largest number I’ve ever seen for myself. I walk past mirrors and avert my eyes because seeing the reflection can ruin my day. It’s a miserable existence to feel so uncomfortable in my own body, to hate myself for being hungry or liking donuts so much. Whole foods are yummy and healthy, but I want to eat them on my own terms. I do not want to deprive myself of treats in the process. 

I have decided that enough is enough. There has to be a better way to live the rest of my life. I don’t want to deny myself that donut or the cream in my coffee. I love food. I want to love when I eat food. I also love to move my body. But I don’t want to think about whether this workout or that one is better for losing weight. I just want to do what feels good and what will make me strong for all the things I want to do in my life. I don’t want to push myself to pain anymore or hate every second of a workout until it is done.

I’ve always had a hard time accepting my body as it is. I think this is true for a lot of us. I am on a journey to understand where these thoughts came from. Working with an intuitive eating nutritionist is helping me identify the root of the problem. This is my way to take back control of my life and fill it with happiness…and keep all the food that I enjoy!

Intuitive eating is not a diet. It rejects diets. It’s a way to make peace with food without restriction or rules. You have permission to eat. You don’t judge yourself because you trust your own body to make the choices that feel good to you. We are all born intuitive eaters – babies eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Older children enjoy foods without judging themselves and they tend to eat a variety if we let them. Along the way, a lot of us lose that inherent understanding of our relationship with food and we start to fear it.

This is a scary journey. Letting go of a lifetime of restriction and rules makes me feel like I am letting myself go. Can I really let us keep cookies in the house without eating the entire package? What if I gain weight? What if I stay the same weight? Shouldn’t I eat more vegetables? I’m learning to take a deep breath as this fear creeps in and to understand my emotions around food and to trust myself.

But…back to the jeans. One thing I was told along the way of my intuitive eating journey is that I need to buy the clothes that fit my body now. I need to stop making things work because I am hoping that I am a different size a month from now. Maybe I will be. Maybe I won’t be. I deserve to be comfortable, so I put on those jeans and, guess what? They were so incredibly comfortable! And I felt so good in them.

I have a long way to go and a lot to learn. I feel passionate that we all need to be comfortable and happy. That is why I am sharing this journey. Comfort and happiness: do whatever that means to you and whatever works for you so long as it isn’t born out of fear.